KAALI DIWALI KA GEET

Most defence colonies in India, this Diwali, present a desolate look as a mark of protest against the machinations of netas and babus who denied the veterans full OROP despite its approval by two parliaments. The idea of the babus, as we understand, is to discredit and dishonour the faujis in the eyes of the general public. What do they think of themselves? In a country, wherein we are often told that we have the worst bureaucracy in the world, how can these faujis continue being proud of being amongst the best armed forces in the world? It is incumbent on us babus to bring them down to our level. Now how do we do it? Simple, the moment they are long enough on the streets protesting, the public loses respect for them since they are now deemed to be of the same mould as us. If they are assaulted in the Jantar Mantar, their medals snatched, their shirts torn, it shows them in poor light to have been there in Jantar Mantar with ordinary protesters in the country.

This Diwali, the babus are enjoying the fruits of their labour and rejoicing. They feel that the general public is losing respect for the faujis in the same manner as sooner or later people lose respect for rape victims working on the analogy (since then made famous by a Goa MLA) that they deserved to be raped!

(Pic courtesy: www.newindianexpress.com)

Dear Babus, this Diwali, our homes are dark. We are saddened by your continued intransigence towards OROP and veterans. This song comes to you from us on the day of Deepawali, in remembrance of our Lord Ram having returned after fourteen years of exile. I have tinkered with the original song put together by Anand Bakshi as lyricist, Rahul Dev Burman as composer and Kishore Kumar as singer to send this earnest request across to you:

देखो ऐ बाबू, तुम ये काम ना करो
फौजी का नाम बदनाम ना करो, बदनाम ना करो

फौजी ने हँस कर सब सुख त्यागे, तुम सब दुख से डर कर भागे
जवान ने कर्म की रीत सिखाई – २
तुमने फ़र्ज़ से आँख चुराई, ओ राम दुहाई
जय जवान जय किसान (chorus)
उसकी OROP को अपनी NFU का गुलाम न करो
फौजी का नाम बदनाम ना करो, बदनाम ना करो
देखो ऐ बाबू …

OROP को समझो, फौजी को जानो, नींद से जागो ओ मस्तानो
एक दिन झेलना सीने पे गोली
खून की खेलना इक दिन होली
जय जवान जय किसान (chorus)
OROP की मौत का इंतजाम न करो
फौजी का नाम बदनाम ना करो, बदनाम ना करो

देखो ऐ बाबू, तुम ये काम ना करो
फौजी का नाम बदनाम ना करो, बदनाम ना करो

Dekho ai baabu, tum ye kaam nA karo
Fauji ka naam badnaam na karo, badnaam nA karo

Fauji ne ha.Ns kar sab sukh tyAge, tum sab dukh se Dar kar bhaage
Jawan ne karm kI riit sikhAI
Tumane farz se aa.Nkh churaa_ii, o raam duhaa_ii
Jai Jawan, Jai Kisaan (chorus)
Usaki OROP ko apni NFU ka gulaam na karo
Fauji kA naam badanAm nA karo, badanAm nA karo
Dekho ai baabu …

OROP ko samajho, fauji ko jaano, nI.nd se jaago o mastaano
Ek din jhelna seene pe goli
Khoon ki khelna ik din Holi
Jai Jawan, Jai Kisaan (chorus)
OROP ki maut ka intejaam na karo
Fauji kA naam badanAm nA karo, badanAm nA karo

Dekho ai baabu, tum ye kaam nA karo
Fauji kA naam badanAm nA karo, badanAm nA karo

AAWAAZ DO HUM CHOR HAIN – AN ANTHEM OF THE MODERN NETA AND BABU

The most shameful images that this country had to see in Independent India were aired yesterday, on the eve of India’s 69th Independence Day, when the government tried to forcibly break-up a peaceful protest by ex-servicemen for the long pending demand of OROP (One Rank One Pension). Lets contrast it with the historic Jallianwala Bagh massacre of 13th April 1919 when the soldiers of the British Indian Army tried to breakup a peaceful protest by the civilians on the Baisakhi day. Yesterday, it was the reverse: the civilian government, an ungrateful government, turned against soldiers who have sacrificed their everything defending this country.

Just as the country cannot forget the images of Jallianwala Bagh, we can never forget the images like the above from Jantar Mantar, New Delhi, yesterday.

The government also, for the first time signaled that taking on ex armed forces personnel by police and para-military forces is a fair bet since the ex armed forces personnel have already done their bit for the country when in active service and are of little use to the government now; they are not even a large vote bank.

Sadly, people of our great nation don’t see it that way. They have always looked up to the armed forces since the armed forces have delivered each and every time. In the end, what got sullied were not the armed forces personnel who were pushed, shoved, kicked and manhandled. The already sullied images of our netas (irrespective of the political party that they belong to) and babus have now seen the bottom of the pit. Just as the Queen of England never apologised for Jallianwala Bagh massacre, no one expects our netas and babus to apologise for bringing ex servicemen to this mortification.

Today, on the day of our Independence, here is a parody that describes our netas and babus.

My apologies to Jaan Nisar Akhtar, Khaiyyam and Mohammad Rafi for using a parody of their most famous song together to depict what our Netas and Babus have as their anthem today:

चोरी है अपनी ज़मीं, चोरी है अपना गगन,
चोरी है अपना जहाँ, चोरी में लगता है मंन
अपने सभी सुख चोर हैं, अपनी सँगत में सब चोर हैं
आवाज़ दो हम चोर हैं, हम चोर हैं

को: आवाज़ दो, आवाज़ दो हम चोर हैं, हम चोर हैं

ये वक़्त खोने का नहीं, ये वक़्त सोने का नहीं
सबकी जेबें साफ़ करो, किसी को भी ना माफ़ करो

फौजियों ने हमें दी आज़ादी, हम करते हैं उनकी बर्बादी
छलिनी करदो उनका सीना, मुश्किल करदो उनका जीना

दुश्मन भी ना जो करे, हम उनके लिए करते रहें
हर जगह सुहाना शोर है, देश का नेता चोर है

को: आवाज़ दो, आवाज़ दो हम चोर हैं, हम चोर हैं

ये जवान हिमाला में लढा, ये पंजाब में दुश्मन से भिड़ा,
लेकिन हमें ना कोई फ़र्क़ है, जवानो के लिए देश नरक है

रिश्वत पे हमको नाज़ है, पैसा हमारा सरताज है
जनता के पैसे अपने हैं, ये सब हमारे अपने हैं

जवानो ने नमक का मोल दिया, हमने तो उनको बोल दिया
OROP दे देंगे बार बार, पचास साल तो करो इंतज़ार

को: आवाज़ दो, आवाज़ दो हम चोर हैं, हम चोर हैं

उठो जवानां-ए-वतन, बाँधे हुए सर से कफ़न
उठो दक्कन की ओर से, गंग-ओ-जमन की ओर से

पंजाब के दिल से उठो, सतलुज के साहिल से उठो
महाराष्ट्र की खाक से, दिल्ली की अर्ज़-ए-पाक से

बंगाल से गुजरात से, कश्मीर के बागात से
नेफ़ा से राजस्थान से, पुर्ख़ां के हिंदुस्तान से

इस मुल्क़ का नेता चोर है, चारों तरफ ये शोर है
इसका ईमान नोट है, या जनता का वोट है

को: आवाज़ दो, आवाज़ दो हम चोर हैं, हम चोर हैं

NOSTALGIA ABOUT TELEGRAMS

On the 15th of July 2013 we bade adieu, in India, to the 163 years old Telegram service in India. It was started by the British East India company between Calcutta and Diamond Harbour in 1850. Four years later it was made availabe to the general public.

It was, for a century and half, the fastest means of communication available to the common man in India and elsewhere in the world. As soon as the use of sms, Internet and Whatapp became more widespread, the demise of Telegram was just around the corner.

Telegrams used to be the harbinger of news both good and bad, happy and sad. Many a times, due to garbled transmission or reception or both or because of sender’s mistake, unintended situations would arise. It could be as comical as mix up of Greeting Telegram numbers wherein you had intended to convey ‘Congratulations on a well deserved success’; but, the recipient got it as ‘Congratulations on the new arrival’ or ‘May God shower His choicest blessings on the newly-weds.’ Or as serious as ‘Wife expired’ when you had meant to send ‘Happy Independence Day’ message. Such mix-ups had resulted in great sadness and heartburn for people until clarification arrived.

I know the case of a fauji who finally managed leave from a forward posting from where he hadn’t got leave for a long time. He sent a telegram to his wife: ‘Got leave. Reaching home 29th’. When he reached home, he found his wife in bed with another man. He was furious; but, the mother-in-law calmed him by saying she’d check up the reason for her strange conduct. Sure enough, by evening, the mother-in-law had checked and found the reason and triumphantly announced to him, “I knew there would be a simple explanation; she never got your telegram.”

In the Hindi movies, telegrams for just-married faujis used to be delivered to them on their honeymoon nights when they would have just lifted the ghunghat of their newly wedded wives. The only message of the telegram would be asking him to report to border since war had broken out. India has fought five wars with its neighbours Pakistan and China. But, if these telegrams were to be believed, everytime a fauji wedded in a movie, especially, if it was a love-marriage that the family elders hadn’t approved of, a war would breakout at about midnight. Irrespective of how far the sender’s place was, there would be jonga waiting to take him to the war with the wife standing in the doorway of their house bidding him a tearful goodbye. Some would even run behind the jeep barefeet and remind him that Love was what they had between themselves and War was between the two countries and he, over a period of time, shouldn’t get these facts mixed up. One telegram had the power to shatter their dreams. One telegram spelt the difference between Love and War. I give you two consecutive scenes from the Hindi movie Border: the honeymoon scene and the dressing up for reporting to unit scene after the telegram:

In my case, I wasn’t called to the border, but, was sent to Andaman & Nicobar islands with the then Prime Minster Rajiv Gandhi and his Italian wife Sonia embarked on my ship Ganga. Their togetherness was at the cost of my and my Indian wife Lyn’s togetherness when she was expecting our second child. The news of our younger son Arun arriving was sent by her as a telegram which was received in Communication Centre (COMCEN) at Mumbai, who in turn broadcast the message and the ship received it. In my forenoon watch, the CO read out the message to me and I closed my eyes and said a silent prayer for them whilst thanking God that He made Life and He made Telegrams.

Unlike our Army counterparts, manpower in the Navy has always been scarce and hence not only that most naval personnel serve far away from their homes, they get leave with great difficulty and reluctance. Many innovative means are devised to first obtain leave and then to ask for extension. One of the telegrams received on my ship from a sailor’s family read: MOTHER SERIOUS. COME HOME FOR DIWALI. There was another similar one received on a sister ship: FATHER BREATHING HIS LAST AWAITING YOUR ARRIVAL FOR CHRISTMAS.

The most innovatively genuine Telegram received asking for extension of leave by a sailor was on board Vikrant where I was initially posted after my Subs Courses. This had us in splits. It read: REQUEST EXTENSION 15 DAYS, WIFE NOT YET SATISFIED. After everyone had vented feelings ranging from extreme anger to pity, the XO (whose Christain motto was ‘It is better to be kind than right’), sent the following historic telegram: EXTENSION GRANTED UNTIL WIFE SATISFIED.

This XO was decidedly a soft XO. There was a hard-boiled-egg of an XO who was aporoached by a sailor for leave having received a telegram from his wife that read: EXPECTING OUR CHILD. COME HOME URGENTLY. The XO read the telegram, opened his table drawer and pulled out another telegram that read: DON’T SEND SOHAN SINGH LEADING SEAMAN ON LEAVE DURING MY DELIVERY AS HE IS A DRUNKARD AND WON’T BE OF ANY HELP.

Naturally, the first telegram received by Sohan Singh was redundant in view of second telegram received by XO from Sohan Singh’s wife. Sohan Singh was about to leave resignedly when his inner conscience goaded him to tell the truth, “Sir, you and I are the world’s best liars; you see, Sir, I am not even married.”

Now that BSNL has stuck the death knell of the Telegram, I am sure life would have undergone a sea change for Indians in general and for our faujis and sailors in particular. What would Diwali, Holi, Christmas, Pongal would be without FATHER EXTREMELY SERIOUS telegram?

FITNESS FREAK

They look at my gaunt frame and ask:
“What keeps you so fit and lean?”
I tell them try to look inside the mask,
And see all the running I have seen.

When I was small I used to run,
From poverty, violence and abuse,
The taunts of my classmates were no fun,
It almost made me a recluse.

They teased me for my long hair,
Since I was born and brought up as a Sikh,
Horrible jokes they cracked on me,
Sexist, racist, I could take my pick.

At home, we always had “discussions”
My dad’s favourite subject,
Anger and abuses were the concomitants,
I used to run away in fear abject.

In studies there were these smarties,
Who always knew more than I did;
I used to race away from them,
Until my face from them I hid.

I joined the Navy at an early age,
It was indeed a dream come true;
Here I could be at peace with myself,
And the seas: black, green and blue.

But some men there that I met,
Were suave, clever and cunning;
They were skilled in pretense and deceit
And I soon resumed my running.

I made a lot of friends, but I know,
There were some that I’ve had,
I had to quickly run from them
For they made me lonely and sad.

I’ve had my share of wise men,
The so called pseudo-intellectuals;
I ran away as far as I could,
Since they were neither real nor factual.

I ran away from gathering riches,
By means that were suspect;
And hence I stayed poor at heart,
I raced from being abject.

On retirement, I didn’t have much,
But I had my running shoes,
So I kept fit by running away from
All those who often talk loose.

I joined the social media
Blog, Twitter, Whatsapp and Facebook,
But I often run away from those
Who post by hook or crook.

I have listed a few things above,
But this isn’t a list complete;
Greed, mobs, falsehood and unfairness,
Are others that make my legs fleet.

There, that’s my exercise regime,
That I follow without pause and break;
All the running keeps me in good shape,
Though I may not do it for fitness’s sake.

So, if there is one advice that I can give,
For the health of body and mind:
‘Live life, love life, love all you can,
But there are things that you must leave behind.’

‘Run away from them as fast as you can,
Don’t ever regret their loss,
Listen to everyone, and yet,
Love yourself and be your own boss.’

BEST OF ‘MAKE YOUR OWN QUOTES’ – PART II

It has been less than two years since I put up in this blog ‘Best Of ‘Make Your Own Quotes’ ‘. In these 21 months since the post and 23 months since I started with the Facebook Page called ‘Make Your Own Quotes’, a lot has happened. One, from a membership of just 30 or so, the Page has a membership of nearly 500 now. Two, a number of (nearly 300) new Quotes have been started.

Why did I start with the page? As I mentioned in the introduction of the first post, “I noticed that on the Facebook and elsewhere, there is a great penchant about putting up Quotes. These range from quotes about Love, Friendship, Politics, Life; indeed about each and every subject. Whilst reading these quotes I was stuck by the realisation that somehow we have this feeling that the sages, saints and wise-people of the past had abundance of sane-advice on all kinds of subjects; but, by a curious quirk of fate, we ourselves and fellow citizens have nothing great to offer in terms of such advice. When I started analysing this, I reached the conclusion that there is nothing simpler than giving sane advice; the answer is really blowing in the wind; it is everywhere. We only have to gather these pearls around us and weave them in a garland”. That’s how I started this Facebook page called ‘Make Your Own Quotes’ with an introduction: “There is nothing simpler than giving sane advice; you don’t have to follow great teachers. Make your own quotes and let others follow you.”

This venture started on the 25th of Feb 2013 and very soon it would be two years old. I have received tremendous interest from friends in these Quotes and I am told that around the world these Quotes are being circulated in all kinds of garbs. I have nothing against these since I shall never be making this into a commercial activity.

I like all quotes on Facebook; these provide quick and easy solutions to life’s seemingly complex problems. I believe life is as simple as Facebook; what you get is dependant upon your “settings”.

I started off by giving tips to people on how to make their own quotes, eg,:

Great Quotes Tip #1: Compare Life, Love, Relationships etc to something mundane and infer “great” sounding advice out of it.Here is an (original example): “Friends should be like electricity wires; opposite poles, running parallel and lighting up lives by meeting”. For effect, inscribe this on a totally unrelated picture of, say, a Frog in a Pond. Wanna try your hand at it; go ahead….nothing is simpler! Try comparing Life to Beans!! Go ahead, now that you have joined this site, you will eventually follow your own quotes!!!

Here is therefore the second tranche of Best of ‘Make Your Own Quotes’.

Going into historical background of things has been a favourite subject with me. We have documented some of our history whereas most of the important one is in the form of gospel, ie, passed down from one to other without being written. However, one important aspect of the history is the history of not just the events but history of our emotions. This is important since it has been asserted that God is beyond emotions. So, how then did the first man or woman get these emotions?

Now this is totally tongue in cheek and about my life in the armed forces which are largely hierarchal and authoritarian:

The subjects of God and Religion are close to my heart; both being the inventions of Man to keep sanity. I have written a number of articles about this in this blog. The most comprehensive is the one that tracks the origin of God and Religion, viz, Whose God Is It Anyway? I have argued that whilst we do need God, but Religion has to move away from being community activity to something personal. Here is a Quote about God:

I continue to indulge in Alternate Definitions of words, as in the previous edition. Here is one on Secretariat:

Rains always bring out the romantic spirit in me. Here is one about the rains:

Here is another:

As we move into a world where we are in crowds and yet alone and lonely, I have frequently given quotes on this subject. Here is the first one:

Here is another:

And yet another (though all these appeared at different times):

And a penultimate one on the same subject:

Finally, if we have ever examined sadness, we would have probably reached the same conclusion as me:

I frequently bring out the comparisons between Faith and Science; and, my way of looking at it is that both are the same except that the differences are more entrenched in our minds than similarities. Taste the following:

Whilst on this subject, I am often amused at the prevalent distinction between God-made and Man-made; it is as if the latter really have equal powers to make things as God!

I also frequently indulge in the witty, humorous and the light-hearted. For that, I have a running series called ‘My Moments Of Madness’. Here is one such post:

Here is another:

And another:

Here is one in which I have even expressed ‘Hope’ after Life!:

Here is another funny one, addressed to God:

Another running series is Alternate Definitions. Some of these are merely punning on words; but, these would make you feel. Taste the first one about my specialisation or field of interest: Maritime (I spent 37 years in the Indian Navy and am retired now):

Every one of us have heard the word Anglicised. Here is my definition of it:

Lets take a few about the attributes of the Indians. First of all, we are really very filthy people and litter everywhere with abandon. Here is a take on that:

Our traffic conditions are amongst the most chaotic in the world. Indeed, we kill more people on the roads than during wars. Here is a take on that:

And the third is the Indian Politics. But then, when I put it up, foreigners told me that it is the same in their country too:

As I told you, I spent nearly 37 years in the Navy and hence sea is in my veins. There are several Quotes on this theme; the most popular of these was:

Here is another one about the same romance of the seas:

Here is one about the sea itself and how it changed my life:

The four lettered word Life is a favourite topic with me. I give you a few quotes about this subject. Here is the first one:

Here is another:

And another since Life is such a vast subject:

And yet another:

This one about Life should make you think:

And a last one about Life:

Let me now give you three at random before finishing with this edition of Best of Make Your Own Quotes. There are, of course, many more and you can await the next edition. This one is about the limitation of Reason and Reasoning:

This one is being happy about what the sages and saints say; that is, Life is a Myth:

And to end this edition, here is a quote about my ability to make you look at God’s world differently:

I am sure by now I have convinced you to subscribe to ‘Make Your Own Quotes’. What do you have to pay for the subscription? Nothing; not a cent, pence or paisa. It is totally free. All that you have to do is to like the Page and these Quotes would be delivered to your timeline automatically. You can, on the page, make your own Quotes and share these too with others too. Dozens of subscribers have done it already.

LAUGH WITH THE PUNJABIS – PART IV

I am a Punjabi Sikh by birth; my dad’s side of the family being from the village in Ropar (now Rupnagar) district of Punjab, and my mother’s side of people from village Urapur near Nawanshaher in Punjab.

From the time I was small, I have been exposed to Punjabi humour. About a year ago, I have started a group on Facebook to promote Punjabi humour. The group is called ‘Laugh With The Punjabis’. At the time of writing it has nearly 12000 members.

You can always join the group (it is free to men and women, boys and girls of all communities, regions, age and nationalities. I have ensured that none of the humour there is directed against any people. And, you don’t laugh at the Punjabis but laugh with the Punjabis.

You have already read 23 old-time jokes with the flavour of Punjab in ‘Laugh With The Punjabis – Part I’, ‘Laugh With The Punjabis – Part II’ and ‘Laugh With The Punjabis – Part III’. These are the jokes recounted by me in the group that I am nostalgic about. I used to hear them in my childhood and boyhood days.

Lets continue with the old-time jokes.

Old Time Joke #24, Flavour of Punjab

Santa and Banta migrated to America and got job in the rocket fuel department at NASA Houston.

Most of their salary was spent, like that of any Punjabi, on “khaan-peen” especially peen (drinking).

One day, Santa and Banta had a fight during working hours. Santa gave a push to Banta who fell into rocket fuel and he involuntarily tasted it.

He told Santa to taste it too and they felt that it was a potent drink like rum or whisky.

So, they forgot their fighting and helped themselves to tasting more and more of rocket fuel. They had a jolly good time and got pissed and went home and slept.

Next morning, Banta received an urgent phone call from Santa, “O Banteya, jadd toilet jaayenga tanh toilet seat nu zor naal phadd lainyi.”

Banta: Kyun Santeya?

Santa: Main China tonh bol reha haan!

Old Time Joke #25, Flavour of Punjab

Still valid after more than five decades:

In our village in Punjab, on one rare occasion, a train arrived on time.

It was a stunning event and the villagers quickly organised a function; garlanded the engine and the driver and distributed sweets. A speech praising the engine driver was made by the Sarpanch and the engine driver was asked to say a few words.

Engine Driver: Bahut meharbaani haaran layi, mithaai layi ate iss function layi. Per sachi dassan tanh main inna da hakdaar nahin; kyunki eh kal di gaddi hai!

Old Time joke #26, Flavour of Punjab

(Excerpt from an actual speech by Giani Zail Singh ji)

Bhaarat ek bahut mahaan desh hai. Alagg alagg praant hain, jahan alagg alagg tarah ke log rehate hain. Inake alagg alagg dharam hain jaisee Hindu, Musalmaan, Sikh, Isaayi. Inaki alagg alagg bhashayen hain jaise Punjab mein Punjabi, Himachal mein Himachali, Bengal mein Bengali, Tamilnadu mein Tamilnadi aur Kerala mein Kerali.

Old Time Joke #27, Flavour of Punjab

Actual ad in Tribune of Chandigarh:

Handsome Jatt Sikh, 6 feet, well-built, with 50 acres land wants to marry beautiful and tall Sikh girl with a tractor. Interested girls send picture of tractor.

Old Time Joke #28, Flavour of Punjab

After the partition in 1947, as this Punjabi family from Lahore shifted to Ludhiana, the father had a pet reply to all the demands of his only son: “Oye, oh tanh reh gayi Lahore.” For example, the conversation between them would go somewhat like this:

Son: Papa, papa, main bhi cycle laini hai.…
Father: Oye chhad beta; cyclan tanh saariyan reh gayiyan Lahore.

After a few days, the son asked: Papa, mainu ik camera lai deyo.
Father: Nahin beta, camera tanh saare reh gaye Lahore.

Much to the consternation of the son, this had become the order of the day. One day, the son, brought his report card home with zero marks in most subjects.

Father: Oye, tere number kithe ne?
Son: Chhado daddy; number tanh saare reh gaye Lahore.

Father (hot under the collar): Oye, tameez naa gal kar; main tera peyo haan.
Son: Per papa, peyo tanh saare reh gaye Lahore!

Old Time Joke #29, Flavour of Punjab

Balwant and Satwant two friends were going on a mobike and felt the strong breeze hitting them hard in the winters. Especially, the wind was going from the shirt front gaps between the buttons and slashing their chests like bullets.

So, they came up with a practical idea. They wore their shirts backwards and helped each other button them up.

After some time, the mobike hit against a gadda (bullock cart) and they and the mobike fell.

The villagers rushed to give them “first-aid” as they would readily do in any village in Punjab.

Later, in the police report, the following statement was recorded by a few witnesses: “Accident serious si. Dona bechaareyan diyan gardanaa (necks) buri tarah mud gayiyan si. Aseen jadon seedhiyan keetiyan tanh dona ne dum tod ditta.”

Old Time Joke #30, Flavour of Punjab

Kartar slapped a man in the market, heartily on the back, and excitedly said, “Oye Satinder, bade saalan baad miliya hain. Waah bhai waah, chehra badal gaya, rang dhang badal gaya, pugg da style badal gaya, chaal badal gayi….”

The other man: Bhai saab, meraa naam Satinder nahin hai ji.

Kartar unfazed: Waah bhai waah; naam bhi badal leya!

Continue laughing with the Punjabis; more to follow in subsequent posts.

LAUGH WITH THE PUNJABIS – PART III

Why Punjabi jokes and humour? Punjabis are the only people who can not only sportively take a joke on themselves, but, can be expected to tell you two jokes about themselves for every one cracked by you. The community is now counted amongst the most progressive and generous communities in the world. You can always join the group (it is free to men and women, boys and girls of all communities, regions, age and nationalities. I have ensured that none of the humour there is directed against any people. And, you don’t laugh at the Punjabis but laugh with the Punjabis. You have already read seventeen old-time jokes with the flavour of Punjab in ‘Laugh With The Punjabis – Part I’ and ‘Laugh With The Punjabis – Part II’. These are the jokes recounted by me in the group that I am nostalgic about. I used to hear them in my childhood and boyhood days. Lets continue with the old-time jokes.

Old Time Joke #18, Flavour of Punjab

Munda: Chal Jaan, picture dekhan chaliye. Pichhli seats te baithange. Kudi: Je pichhali seats diyan tiktan naa miliyan pher?

Munda: Pher picture dekh lawaange!

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Old Time Joke #19, Flavour of Punjab

Sardar Ujjagar Singh jithe bhi jaanda si, transistor naal rakhda si. Ik din usane, Jalandhar rickshaw layi Railway Station Jaan layi. Uthe usane train layi Amritsar jaan layi aur uthe Ruckshaw layi ghar jaan layi.

All throughout he had his transistor on to listen to songs. In between, the news broadcast came on with the opening sentence, “Yeh aakashwani Jalandhar hai.” Hearing this he hit the rickshaw-puller with his umbrella, “Oye, tin ghante ho gaye; aje Jalandhar hi ghumaayi jaa reha hain?”

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Old Time Joke #20, Flavour of Punjab

Satwant bahut padaayi kar ke Akhkhan (Eyes) da daakter ban gaya. Ik din ik mareez us kol aaya aur usne keha: “Daakter saab; marz da ilaaj dasso…ik ik cheez do do nazar aandi hai”.

Satwant (Thodi der ghoor ke dekhan to baad): “Thuaanu charan nu ehi problem hai?”

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Old Time Joke #21, Flavour of Punjab

Kirpal: Bhagwaane, ajj main 5 rupaye bacha laye.

His Wife: Oh kiddan?

Kirpal: Sabere jadd main office jaan waaste bus stop te pahunchaya tanh dekhyaa bus nikal rahi si. Main pichhe pichhe nadhaya aur office pahunch gaya. Bus Ticket de punj rupaye bach gaye.

Wife: Tussi bewakoof ho ji. Sau rupaye bhi bacha sakde si je taxi de pichhe nadh de.

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Old Time Joke #22, Flavour of Punjab

Santa and Banta went for a walk and came across a nice open piece of land. They rested there for a little while and started day-dreaming.

Santa: Yaar Bante je zameen saanu mil jaaye tanh aapan ki karaange?

Banta: Aapan ganne lagaawange.

Santa: Oh tanh sab theek hai, per naal waale pind tonh loki aa aa ke todange ate ganne choopange.

Banta: Nahin, aapan fence lagaawange.

Santa: Kai pind waale bade haraami hunde ne, oh fence tapp ke bhi aa jaande ne

Banta: Gall tanh teri theek hai, Sante; chal ohna nu jaake darust karde haan.

So the complete pind of Santa and Banta went and sorted out the neighbouring pind. Black eyed and wounded, the village people asked: Par saada kasoor ki hai?

And Banta replied angrily: Hore choopo ganne!

Old Time Joke #23, Flavour of Punjab

When I was small, in our village, a theft took place. All jewellery, money and costly items were missing.

However, when they searched, they found these items lying wrapped in a sheet next to the wall. Now this was very surprising and various people started giving various theories.

After listening to all theories, Joginder Singh Jagga came up with his own theory:

” Oye main dasadanh haan ki hoya howega. Chor raat nu baarah baje dabe pair aaya howega jadd saare so rahe honge. Usnu pata hona gehna, paisa wagairah kithe paya howega. Usane saara maal gadhari ch bann ke lai jaan di koshish keeti honi. Ehne ch baapu paani peen waste uthaya hona aur khadka hoya howega.”

“Pher usane daudhan di koshish keeti honi. Pehale oh darwaaze di taraf daudhya hona. Pher usnu yaad aaya howega ke darwaaze de kol tanh bebe sutti payi si aur awaaz sun ke uthh gayi howegi. Pher oh kandh (wall) de paase daudhya howega.”

“Kandh uchchi si ate gadhari (bundle) bhaari hona. Usnu hun faisla karna si ke chhlaang maar ke nikal jaawe yaa gadhri (bundle) de naal fadyaa jaaye.”

This was such an absorbing story that at this point they all asked Jagga, “Pher ki hoya howega, Jaggeya?”

And Jagga said, “Hona ki si. Iss hafda thafdi ch gadhri (bundle) andar reh gayi….AUR MAIN BAAHAR”.

Continue laughing with the Punjabis; more to follow in subsequent posts.

LAUGH WITH THE PUNJABIS – PART II

You have already read seven old-time jokes with the flavour of Punjab in ‘Laugh With The Punjabis – Part I’. These are the jokes recounted by me in the group that I am nostalgic about. I used to hear them in my childhood and boyhood days.

Lets continue with the old-time jokes.

Old Time Joke #8, Flavour of Punjab

This was told to me by Commodore Sukhjinder Singh, who retired as JAG (Navy) (that is, Judge Advocate General, Navy)

One day we were sitting in the Angre Wardroom and I asked him how did he become a lawyer. He explained:

“I had a good friend in Patiala. When I grew up and finished schooling, one day I was talking to him as to what should I become; when he suddenly told me:

Oye Sukhjinder tu Vakeel ban jaa yaar.

I asked him why and he replied:

Oye yaar main ik murder karan di soch reha haan!”

Kaun kehnda hai Punjabi door-darshi nahin hunde?

Old Time Joke #9, Flavour of Punjab

There was a Kissan Fair going on near Phillaur. Our man Ujjagar Singh from my village Urapur went to see the fair with his family. The greatest attraction for the farmers was their versatile stud bull (Chohtta). But, to see the bull one had to buy tickets.

Ujjagar Singh went to the ticket counter and asked for 26 tickets for himself and his family.

Ticket Window te Janaani: Praaji tussi aithe khado; Assin chohtte (stud bull) nu lai ke aande haan thuayanoo dekhan layi.

Old Time Joke #10 – Flavour of Punjab

Banta was admitted in the hospital for broken limbs and several other injuries. The doctor asked him what happened?

Banta: Hoeya kuchh nahin ji. Main chhatt te chadiya si koi kamm karan layi. Uthe mainu Sante daa joke samajh aa gaya jehda usane chaar din pehale sunaaya si.

Old Time Joke #11 – Flavour of Punjab

Santu was guiding a buffalo (majhh) into the school on a chain (sangal). It had the letters E-S-S-A-Y written on it on either side in white chalk.

Angry English teacher demanded to know what was it?

Santu: Madam ji tussi keha si Cow (gaan) te essay likh ke leyaayo. Saade pind ch ik bhi gaan nahin hai ji. Main majhh te likh ke le aaya. Theek hai naa ji spelling?

Old Time Joke #12, Flavour of Punjab

You already know that you can’t find a Sikh beggar. This one is about Sardar Ujjagar Singh Sekhon, a Jatt Sikh and it is just a made-up joke to bring out the comedy in a most unlikely situation of a Sikh begging.

In 1971 War, his entire family was killed and he lost his legs. He was dying of abject poverty and neglect and then someone suggested to him that since in any case he was dying there was no harm in begging.

So USS took out his best dress and turle waali pugg and went to the first house on his crutches and knocked at the door.

A woman opened the door and asked, “Tussi kaun ho ji?”

USS getting angry, “Mayi, dekh nahin rehi main mangta haan? Jaa kuchh khaan layi lai aa.”

Woman (taken aback): Khaan nu tanh kuchh hai nahin ji.

USS: Pher kuchh paisa gehna lata de de.

Woman: Oh bhi nahin hai ji.

USS: Sheesha tanh hai ke nahin?

Woman: Haan ji, oh tanh haiga.

Ujjagar Singh Sekhon: Jaa pher sheesha lai aa, main muchhan nu taa tanh de lawan.

Old Time Joke #13, Flavour of Punjab

From our village in Urapur, Kartar Singh went on a world tour during those days when it was not so common to go abroad.

On his return he sat under the peepal tree on a manji and related his experiences: “O ji chaar di main London reha, chaar din Paris, chaar din Tokyo, chaar din New York…..”

Ten year old school boy impressed, “Chachaji thuaada tanh Geography daa bada knowledge hovega.”

Kartar Singh, “Mainu yaad hai char din uthe bhi reha.”

Old Time Joke #14, Flavour of Punjab

Munda: Chal Jaan, picture dekhan chaliye. Pichhli seats te baithange.

Kudi: Je pichhali seats diyan tiktan naa miliyan pher?

Munda: Pher picture dekh lawaange!

Old Time Joke #15, Flavour of Punjab

Santa and another man were arguing. Santa tried to be reasonable but the other was adamant.

Finally, Santa lost his shirt and shouted: Oye tu sambhal jaa nahin tanh main tere 34 de 34 dand bhan ke hath ch fada dwaanga.

Another man nearby corrected Santa: Per paaji dand tanh sirf 32 hunde ne.

Santa: Mainu pehle pata si tu bhi bolenga; main tere bhi do gin laye hoye ne.

Old Time Joke #16, Flavour of Punjab

I saw this happening!

An old man was going down the slope in Ludhiana and rammed his bicycle into a girl. Both fell, dusted their clothes and got up.

Girl: Main keha bajurgo thoda dekh ke chalayo cycle. Sharm nahin aandi thuanu; ehni thuadi daadhi aayi hoi hai?

Old Man: O beebe, daadhi hai, brake thodi hai. Meri tanh brake fail hoi hai.

Old Time Joke # 17, Flavour of Punjab

Another Actual Incident in Ludhiana

My cousin (wadde masiji da chhota munda) MP Singh and I were walking back home after seeing a movie. We saw a massive fight going on in which several men were involved.

MP was excited and told me: Chal aapan bhi kutt katayi kariye.

Shocked, I asked him: Per Mohinder saadi ehna naal ki dushmani hai?

MP: Dushmani tanh koi nahin per eddan da mauka pher pata nahin kadon milega?

Continue laughing with the Punjabis; more to follow in subsequent posts.

LAUGH WITH THE PUNJABIS – PART I

Below, and in a series of blog-posts, I am bringing out the jokes related by me in the group that I am nostalgic about. I used to hear them in my childhood and boyhood days.

Before we begin, here is:

AN INVITATION TO MADNESS:

Join Laugh With The Punjabis (LWTP)

Ped de neeche khade hoke dekho kinne amb ne,
LWTP join karke dekho kinne ithe bumb ne!

LTTE Sri Lanka ch khatam ho gayi, barbaad ho gayi,
LWTP India ch shuru ho gayi, aabaad ho gayi.

Dono hi failaande ne, bharpoor terror,
Ik by design, ik simply by error.

Ikko eh group hai, jithe saare ne leader,
Saare post paayun waale, bahut kam ne reader.

Posts ehna di dekh ke, hairaan haan main,
Gussa ehna da dekh ke, preshaan haan main.

Phir sochada haan, dost ne, humsuffer ne,
Mere tanh paagalpan ch, ehi tanh buffer ne.

Ehi group join karo, ban jaayo saade beli,
Agli transfer thuaadi, howegi Agra ya Bareilly.

Enjoy.

Old Time Joke #1 – Flavour of Punjab

Punjab Mail arrived at the station and it was so full that people were sticking out of windows and doors like bees from a hive.

Sardar Ujjagar Singh from my village was travelling to the city with his peepa of desi ghee. He somehow forced his way into the general compartment and the train started. The 15 kgs tin of the Ghee was getting into everybody’s way and was turning out to be a nuisance.

So, SUS took it, tied a piece of his tamba (dhoti) to the handle and tied the other end to a chain hanging in the compartment.

This brought the train to a screeching halt and the Guard and his team came to investigate. They found the peepa hanging from the chain.

Guard said: Ai dekho is peepe ne gaddi roki hai.

Sardar Ujjagar Singh: Dekhya, desi gheo di taaqat!

Old Time Joke #2 – Flavour of Punjab

From my village Urapur in Jalandhar district (between Ludhiana and Nawanshahr), there are two ways to go to the nearest city Nawanshahr: one is via Garcha and the other is via Bohara (Bahara); the road bifurcating after Aur.

One day, one of our fellow villagers stopped at a friend’s place in Garcha. They showered on him the traditional Punjabi hospitality but they were soon to find out that their friend from our village was made of sterner stuff. He polished off 25 to 30 roti, all their dal, sabji and kheer. Finally, after early dinner, the family sat with our man around in the vehda and started gup-shup.

They asked him about the purpose of his visit to Nawanshahr.

Our man said: Daakter ji nu milana hai.

Garcha Friend: Oye tainu ki problem hai?

Our man: Daakter ji nu dasnaa hai ke mainu bhukh nahin lagadi.

Garcha Friend’s Wohti (wife) cutting in: Waapas jaandi baar tussi Bohara ho ke jaayo, oh short-cut hai.

Old Time Joke #3 – Flavour of Punjab

Santa Singh, the Lion of Punjab, landed in New York in 1954, and there was a competition going on there to see who would be the bravest to jump from the tallest building into the swimming pool below.

Santa’s friends fielded him as the bravest; the most daring.

This was going to be the most stupendous feat and there were media personnel giving live commentary:

“Ladies and gentlemen; this is going to be a feat unequalled in the annals of history. And here we see now Santa Singh from Punjab in India reaching on top of this 100 story building, waving nonchalantly to the crowds below and, …. what is this? He has decided to jump with his full clothes on….what a brave and courageous man he is from the land of the braves…..and with a great Chhpaak, he lands into the pool…..wait, lets approach him and ask him his first reaction: ‘Santa ji; you are the bravest of the brave….please tell us how do you feel after accomplishing the world’s most daring act?'”

Santa: Oh tanh ji main baad ch dasaanga; pehale eh dasso mainu dhakka kinne ditta si?

Old Time Joke #4, Flavour of Punjab

Dasaunda Singh fought elections, won, and his party won majority. Dasaunda was made the Chief Minister of Punjab.

However, being a pind wala (villager), his people guided him to be suspicious of all around him lest they should take him for a ride. “Jithe tainu shaq howe, uthe puchh layin ki ho rehya hai.”

Fortified with this knowledge, he started next day morning for the Assembly by his driver driven Ambassador. (Please remember that during those days the car gears used to make a lot of noise).

As the car started, Dasaunda heard a lot of noise and asked the driver with alarm, “Oye ki kar rehan hain?”

Driver: “Sarkar gear change kar reha haan.”

Dasaunda Singh (Remembering the advice his cronies gave him): “Haraamzaade, mere saamne saamne gear change kar reha hain; jadd main nahin hovenga tanh tu gaddi hi change kar dawenga.”

Old Time Joke #5, Flavour of Punjab

Dasaunda Singh plane chadan lagga tanh Air Hostess ne dekhiya ke aisle ch kaafi bheedh hai aur kehiya, “Wait, Sir.”

Dasaunda Singh: Oh madam, huni agge 110 kilo di aurat gayi, usnu tanh tussi weight nahin puchhya. Asin 70 kilo de haan, saada tussi weight puchhi ja rahi ho.

Old Time Joke #6 – Flavour of Punjab

During olden days, a plane had as passengers an American, an Arab, Santa, a lady and her small 7 years old boy.

The plane engine developed trouble and the pilot announced that they may have to jump out, one by one. They noticed that there were only four parachutes for five of them.

When the first call came from the pilot, the American was the first to volunteer; he grabbed a parachute and jumped out saying, “Christ is the greatest.”

At the next call, Santa grabbed another parachute and jumped out saying, “Waheguru tonh wadda koi nahin.”

At the third call, the Arab jumped out saying, “Allah O’ Akbar.”

At the next call, the Pilot announced that the plane had to be abandoned. The mother told her child, “Beta, maine to zindagi dekh rakhi hai; toone abhi shuru ki hai. Tu baaki bacha parachute le aur kood jaa.”

Beta: “Nahin mummy; hum dono ke liye parachute hain kyonki Santa uncle mera basta le ke hi kood gaye the.”

Old Time Joke #7 – Flavour of Punjab

A farmer in our village Urapur near Nawanshahr was accused in the court for having stolen his neighbour’s hens.

He commissioned a lawyer to defend him. The lawyer was a smart-aleck and soon the farmer was acquitted.

I was present in the court to witness this drama (though I was a boy at that time)

Judge: Thuayanoo baa izzat bari keeta jaanda hai.

Farmer (with folded hands, not sure what it meant): Judge saab murgiyan rakh lawaan ke waapas deniya hun?

Continue laughing with the Punjabis; more to follow in subsequent posts.

CHALTA HAI – MOHAN RAM-BHAROSE

CHALTA HAI – MOHAN RAM-BHAROSE is Chalta Hai’s first attempt at movie making and is already being talked about as a potential Oscar winner. Here are some of the scenes that have already been shot (being an international movie, some of the dialogues are in English, whilst others are in Hindi; the ones which are in Punjabi have been deleted in order to avoid getting an ‘A’ Certificate for the movie):

Scene One: A warship has been wrecked and is seen going down in almost still waters (Sea State 1). The hero of the movie, a certain RR, (not to be confused with another Ram, eg, Raja Ram or with the expression “Ram Ram” (of ‘RR Satya Hai’ fame) is seen in sea-water clinging for dear life to a wooden grating along with his friend RS (Raavan Singh; he was christened as Ram Singh on birth, but, after he joined WATT, all the constructors led by one whose name has two Hindu gods strength, pronounced him as the most evil man on earth: Raavan).

RR (speaking from the memory of the most ‘intellectual’ books that he had read (written by René Goscinny and illustrated by Albert Uderzo): Shiver my timbers; what happened.

RS (as calmly as explaining A for Apple to a child): Our ship went down.

RR (Perplexed, similar to his hero Obelix): But, did we hit something?

RS: No.

RR (Seeking clarity): Did something hit us?

RS: No.

RR: (Getting that bolt from the blue): The Pakis? Jehadis? LeT? Al Qaeda? Indian Mujahideen? What then?

RS: (Furiously shaking his nut even though almost fully immersed in water) No, no, no, no….for Ram’s sake no. And don’t keep saying “What”; this Watt only got us into thick soup with all our friends. At last count it was 93 Likes, 1 Share and 46 obnoxious comments.

RR: (Losing his patience): But _____(Censored Being in Punjabi; in future: CBP) huaa kyaa?

RS: Nothing huaa Sir; the ship was as it is (Mohan) Ram bharose. Starts singing: “Yeh to hona hi thaa”.

Fadeout with gradually fading notes of the song Yeh to hona hi tha.

Scene Two: Shows an old man MR, wistfully remembering his best ship designs: paper-boats or kaagaz ki kashtiyan. This is the scene wherein the credits of the movie are flashed. The old man, in the background, is seen lowering some of his best ‘designs’ into the water. Gentle notes of Jagjit Singh’s ghazal accompany the credits:

Ye daulat bhi le lo,
Ye shauhrat bhi le lo,
Bhale chheen lo mujhase meri jawaani;
Magar mujhako lauta do
DND ka wo tenure
Wo kaagaz ki kashti
Wo baarish ka paani.

Scene Three: Shows MR sitting in his office in DND with a huge map of the world. A freshman constructor walks in.

FC: What is with this huge map of the world, Sir?

MR: I am planning the next indigenous design of a navy ship.

FC (Scratching his head, admittedly a great pastime with NCs): I don’t understand what has an indigenous design got to do with the world map?

MR: You are new to the constructor branch. We have to cull the indigenous design from as many foreign countries as we can visit.

FC: But Sir you just finished visiting dozens of countries from Iran to England to Russia; indeed, the number of countries that you have visited is much more than any ship designed by you in a lifetime would visit. Indeed, in later life, if someone were to start a Humour In Uniform group, you would have more than enough to regale them endlessly with your tales of, say, sitting in a plane in Iran full of chickens or being treated as a royal guest by a German company director. Why do you want to visit more?

MR: You will not make a good NC if you keep questioning the need to visit foreign countries extensively in search of indigenous design. In any case, the last two dozen countries that I visited were in connection with Leander – nay – Giri class of ships’ indigenous design. Now I have to go abroad to inculcate the indigenous design for modified Leander – er, Godavari class of ships. Remember, every time I go abroad we get a huge fillip for indigenous design effort.

FC: Now I get it; I too want to get into indigenous designs. I always wanted to visit Scandinavian countries.

Scene fades with FC singing: zara haule haule chalo MR ji; ham bhi peechhe hain tumhaare.

Scene Four: Commissioning ceremony of INS Ganga by PM Shri Rajiv Gandhi. Ceremony over, the commissioning CO is having a party on the quarterdeck. Both the Fleet Commander and the CO are Punjabis. Hence, some of the dialogues are CBP.

Fleet Cdr: I say Kailash, have you seen your ship’s side? It is in the pits.

KKK: I know Sir, such large scale pits were not there either in the British ships or Russian ships.

Fleet Cdr: I believe you have very large free spaces but weapon and sensor spaces are cramped.

KKK: Yes Sir. It is a ______(CBP) pity.

Fleet Cdr: And on the radar you paint louder than a carrier.

KKK: Yes Sir.

Fleet Cdr: Whose ______ (CBP) design is this?

KKK: I am not sure Sir; but, they call it Mohan Ram Bharose design.

Fleet Cdr: Strange name! Why can’t they sail on their own designed ships?

KKK: I think they are hardly ever in India to do that!

Scene fades with the notes of: Hey Rome Rome mein basane waale Ram….

Cut to last scene.

Last Scene: Opening time of a famous mobike peddling shop in Bengaluru. The owner, known by his initials ‘MR’ as most south Indians are known, is saying his prayers with dhoop and agarbatti at a sandal-wood garlanded huge picture of Rajnikant. His wife has arrived there carrying his tiffin with his breakfast.

Wife: Why do you keep praying with dhoop to Rajnikant’s picture?

MR: Because I have the same qualities as him; no one can even dream of beating me. I am fast on the draw. Indeed, I am the fastest like my idol RK.

Wife (Glancing at the morning newspaper): Have you seen the headlines today; another ship designed by you when you were in the Navy has gone down.

MR (Quick on the draw as RK): I have already analysed it as I did with others:

One, ships are manned by nincompoops; for a ship meant for 300, the AHs in NHQ put 600.

Two, my designed ships older than just a few days should be retired. My guarantee of the ships is only about a week; excluding Sunday, that is.

Three, do you think these _____s (Not CBP but still censored!) know how to operate the ships.

Wife: But, why did they sink?

MR (takes out his calculator and does extensive calculations of whose results he writes on the side-lines of the same paper carrying the news about the ship sinking): See here, my stability calculations still hold good. It should never have sunk.

Wife (Remembering something from her primary class Hindi books): Abhi to jyun kaa tyun, kunbaa dooba kyun?

MR: Search me.

The scene fades with MR having pooja thali in one hand and a brass ghanti in the other and singing the ‘hymn’: Rajnikanta fool tumhaare, mehken youn constructor ban ke…..

And his wife singing: Ram teri Ganga maili ho gayi….

The End

And then a voice over: Kahin naa jayiye meharbaan; Chalta Hai abhi aur baaki hai dost.

Chalta Hai is a group on the Facebook with the following Link:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/ChaltaHaiJi/

You may like to join the group. Not convinced? Here are the recommendations:

Here is the Chalta Hai Anthem:

CHALTA HAI ANTHEM

[lineate][/lineate]Sab kuchh chalta hai,[lineate][/lineate]Sab kuchh chalta hai….[lineate][/lineate]Humour, jokes, poems, or cartoons,[lineate][/lineate]Nerds, naïve, saints or aflatoons,[lineate][/lineate]Sab kuchh chalta hai…[lineate][/lineate]

[lineate][/lineate]Original nahin to cut-paste karo,[lineate][/lineate]Apna aur sabaka time waste karo. Sab kuchh chalta hai…[lineate][/lineate]

[lineate][/lineate]Politics chalayo, desh bachayo,[lineate][/lineate]Shadi mandap main RaGa ko bithayo.[lineate][/lineate]Sab kuchh chalta hai…[lineate][/lineate]

[lineate][/lineate]Chahe Viraat Kohli maare sixer,[lineate][/lineate]Yaa kitchen mein chalu ho jaaye mixer.[lineate][/lineate]Sab kuchh chalta hai….[lineate][/lineate]

[lineate][/lineate]Desh hamaara banega beeg power,[lineate][/lineate] Khushiyon ka ho jaayegi shower.[lineate][/lineate] Sab kuchh chalta hai….[lineate][/lineate]

[lineate][/lineate]Traffic mein ham rehte hain # One,[lineate][/lineate]Accidents for us is great fun;[lineate][/lineate]Sab kuchh chalta hai….[lineate][/lineate]

[lineate][/lineate]Ghar mein ham karte nahin kaam,[lineate][/lineate]Office mein to aaraam hi aaraam.[lineate][/lineate]Sab kuchh chalta hai…[lineate][/lineate]

[lineate][/lineate]Trains and flights are never on time,[lineate][/lineate]To be honest and upright is a crime.[lineate][/lineate]Sab kuchh chalta hai….[lineate][/lineate]

[lineate][/lineate]Rishwat khori hai way of life,[lineate][/lineate]Moonh mein Ram Ram, bagal mein knife.[lineate][/lineate] Sab kuchh chalta hai, mere bhai,[lineate][/lineate]Sab kuchh chalta hai[lineate][/lineate]

Disclaimer: All characters in the above screen play are fictional and bear no resemblance to any person living or….well, living.

A SONG FOR THE THICK-SKINNED INDIAN POLITICIAN

This song is based on a popular song of our era: Chhod de saari duniya kisi ke liye, yeh munaasib nahin aadmi ke liye. The original had lyrics by Indeevar and music by Kalyanji Anandji and was sung by Lata Mangeshkar for the 1968 movie Saraswati Chandra.

Now for the parody: first in Hindi and then in English script:

[lineate][/lineate]छोड़ दे इंडिया देश हित के लिए[lineate][/lineate]ये मुनासिब नहीं politician के लिए[lineate][/lineate]भारत निर्माण से ज़रूरी बहुत काम हैं[lineate][/lineate]भारत सब कुछ नहीं politician के लिए[lineate][/lineate]

[lineate][/lineate]देश का भला हो न पाया तो क्या[lineate][/lineate]Family का भला कोई कम तो नहीं[lineate][/lineate]Economy down हो at all times low[lineate][/lineate]Swiss Bank full हो कोई कम तो नहीं[lineate][/lineate]बिजली मिलती नहीं सबको संसार में[lineate][/lineate]एक दिया ही बहुत है रोशनी के लिए[lineate][/lineate]छोड़ दे इंडिया देश हित के लिए[lineate][/lineate]ये मुनासिब नहीं politician के लिए[lineate][/lineate]

[lineate][/lineate]कितनी हसरत से तकते हैं देशवासी तुम्हें[lineate][/lineate] इनको गरीबी से ऊपर क्यूँ उठाते नहीं[lineate][/lineate]रोज़ मरते हैं भूखे बिलकते यह लोग[lineate][/lineate]इनको vote banks politics से क्यूँ हटाते नहीं[lineate][/lineate]चले जाओ वहां तुम्हारा धन है जहाँ[lineate][/lineate]रहने दो देश को देशवासियों के लिए[lineate][/lineate]छोड़ दे इंडिया देश हित के लिए[lineate][/lineate]ये मुनासिब नहीं politician के लिए[lineate][/lineate]भारत निर्माण से ज़रूरी बहुत काम हैं[lineate][/lineate]भारत सब कुछ नहीं politician के लिए[lineate][/lineate]

[lineate][/lineate]Chhod de India desh hit ke liye,[lineate][/lineate]Ye munaasib nahin politician ke liye[lineate][/lineate]Bharat Nirmaan se zaroori bahut kaam hain,[lineate][/lineate]Bharat sab kuchh nahin politician ke liye.[lineate][/lineate]

[lineate][/lineate]Desh ka bhala ho naa payaa to kyaa,[lineate][/lineate]Family ka bhala koi kam to nahin[lineate][/lineate]Economy down ho at all time low[lineate][/lineate]Swiss bank full ho koi kam to nahin[lineate][/lineate]Bijali milati nahin sabako sansaar mein[lineate][/lineate]Hai diya hi bahut roshani ke liye[lineate][/lineate]Chhod de India desh hit ke liye[lineate][/lineate]Ye munaasib nahin politician ke liye.[lineate][/lineate]

[lineate][/lineate]Kitani hasrat se takate hain desh waasi tumhen[lineate][/lineate]Inako gareebi se ooper kyun uthaate nahin?[lineate][/lineate]Roz marate hain bhookhe bilakate ye log,[lineate][/lineate]Inako vote banks politics se kyun hatate nahin?[lineate][/lineate]Chale jaayo wahan tumhaara dhan hai jahan[lineate][/lineate]Reheno do desh ko deshwaasiyon ke liye.[lineate][/lineate]Chhod de India desh hit ke liye[lineate][/lineate]Yeh munaasib nahin politician ke liye[lineate][/lineate]Bharat Nirmaan se zaroori bahut kaam hain[lineate][/lineate]Bharat sab kuchh nahin politician ke liye.[lineate][/lineate]

I SHOULD NEVER HAVE LOVED

[lineate][/lineate]I shouldn’t have ever loved even though,[lineate][/lineate]I saw you in everything beautiful and so,[lineate][/lineate]I saw you in the flowers, birds and brooks,[lineate][/lineate]In nests, crannies, niches and nooks[lineate][/lineate]I saw you in the changing shades of twilight[lineate][/lineate]And in the whispering silence of moonlit night[lineate][/lineate]I should never have loved.[lineate][/lineate]

[lineate][/lineate]I am a man and it is more than well known,[lineate][/lineate]A man can never cry, sob or bemoan[lineate][/lineate]A woman has express right to feign heartbreak[lineate][/lineate]Even though he often suffers for hers sake[lineate][/lineate]So, you could deceive, cheat and spend your hours[lineate][/lineate]in drenching me in your abusive showers[lineate][/lineate]I should never have loved.[lineate][/lineate]

[lineate][/lineate]I wish, in my next life, I will be a woman born,[lineate][/lineate]And subject men around me to equal scorn[lineate][/lineate]And tell the story of what you did and do,[lineate][/lineate]And jeer, “No man, to a woman, can be true”[lineate][/lineate]Whilst giving him a life of perpetual agony[lineate][/lineate]And rejoice in this sweet irony[lineate][/lineate]I should never have loved.[lineate][/lineate]

[lineate][/lineate]Else, I would hope to get to that elusive verge[lineate][/lineate]Where heavens and earth finally merge[lineate][/lineate]And tell my story to the angels above[lineate][/lineate]Those poor men who once were abused in love[lineate][/lineate]By heartless women who accused and abused[lineate][/lineate]The trust that were held in often misused[lineate][/lineate]I should never have loved[lineate][/lineate]

[lineate][/lineate]I shouldn’t ever have loved being a man[lineate][/lineate]In a world where he can’t do what a woman can[lineate][/lineate]Through tears to tell all those around[lineate][/lineate]That a man is a wolf, a bull, a hound[lineate][/lineate]For every wrong he is often blamed[lineate][/lineate]Whilst it might just be opposite of what she claimed[lineate][/lineate]I should never have loved.[lineate][/lineate]

WOMEN ON TOP

(On the suggestion that woman should approach man bare and also help to disrobe him)

You can take each piece of clothing,
And on the floor coyly drop.
Does it fill men with loathing,
To permit women on top?

To answer I must go back to stone age,
When women used to be dragged by the hair,
Later it filled them with just rage,
And they screamed: “It’s not fair.”

As hunter and bread winner, the poor man,
Battled and fought and loved the chase;
He got used to it as anyone can,
And now we call his pursuit a craze!

Women, yes, do venture into men’s world,
And do everything he used to do,
But don’t approach him naked as a bird,
Let him at least disrobe you.

Pic courtesy: 'Disrobed' by Neil Young — Pic courtesy: ‘Disrobed’ by Neil Young

I know, left to yourself, in the same vein,
You’d soon want to become from heroine to hero,
I don’t know what you will eventually gain,
By making yesterday’s hunter today’s zero.

Despite all the differences that are there,
It is fun to be woman and man,
So on your own don’t try to be bare,
Just because you know you can.

LOVE GRENADE

[lineate][/lineate]She held it in her hand[lineate][/lineate]Pulled out the pin with her teeth[lineate][/lineate]And hurled it where I stood[lineate][/lineate]And suddenly it exploded[lineate][/lineate]All around me.[lineate][/lineate]Everything was torn to shreds:[lineate][/lineate]Ego, pride, shame, pretence[lineate][/lineate]All lay in tatters, blown to bits[lineate][/lineate]And I lay there zapped[lineate][/lineate]Stunned but alive[lineate][/lineate]Blinded and deaf[lineate][/lineate]To anything but Love[lineate][/lineate]She saw me[lineate][/lineate]Saw my condition[lineate][/lineate]And rested her hand[lineate][/lineate]That was ready to pull[lineate][/lineate]Another pin[lineate][/lineate]From another Love Grenade[lineate][/lineate]Total triumph from her side[lineate][/lineate]Complete surrender from mine.[lineate][/lineate]

BEST OF ‘MAKE YOUR OWN QUOTES’

I noticed that on the Facebook and elsewhere, there is a great penchant about putting up Quotes. These range from quotes about Love, Friendship, Politics, Life; indeed about each and every subject. Whilst reading these quotes I was stuck by the realisation that somehow we have this feeling that the sages, saints and wise-people of the past had abundance of sane-advice on all kinds of subjects; but, by a curious quirk of fate, we ourselves and fellow citizens have nothing great to offer in terms of such advice. When I started analysing this, I reached the conclusion that there is nothing simpler than giving sane advice; the answer is really blowing in the wind; it is everywhere. We only have to gather these pearls around us and weave them in a garland. That’s how I started this Facebook page called ‘Make Your Own Quotes’ with an introduction: “There is nothing simpler than giving sane advice; you don’t have to follow great teachers. Make your own quotes and let others follow you.”

This venture started on the 25th of Feb 2013 and on the coming 25th of April, it would be all of two months old. I have received tremendous interest from friends in these Quotes that have not only advice, but, at times are humorous and even naughty. I give you here the best of ‘Make Your Own Quotes’ from my Facebook page for the last two months, with the promise that the best is yet to come as long as you subscribe to it by Liking the Page.

I started off by giving tips to people on how to make their own quotes, eg,

I followed this up with:

Great Quotes Tip #2
Take a famous Quote and make it stand on its head by a juxtaposition of words. They will really marvel at the quotes “great” and “pragmatic” message.

For example:
Where there is a way, there is a will!

Great Quotes Tip #3Simplify to the point of being ridiculous and you have a great Quote….especially if it is on a colourful picture.

Great Quotes Tip #4: Quotes about something called ‘LOVE’ will always be very popular; the best are those that don’t make any sense at all; for then they have this enigmatic quality about them, which is similar to the subject of the Quotes!

At a fairly early stage, I could make fun of my own quotes. Here is one:

Here is one of my early quotes about the reality of Poverty Alleviation Programmes:

Many times, My Quotes are regarding prevalent fads. Here is one of them:

I have made many that are simply ‘tongue in cheek’. This one was well liked. Indeed, a friend commented that in future she would think of this every time in a discussion:

I then started with Alternate Definitions of words. This one is my very first effort:

I have always been interested in Psychology and Philosophy. In this blog itself there is a section on Philosophy. Naturally, therefore, many of my quotes are on this subject. Here is one:

Some of my quotes are based on my observations and lessons that I have learnt in life. Here is one based on my observations:

I simply adored our dog Roger. I have made a number of quotes about Dog as the Master of Man. This is a simple one:

Half way through, I reminded everyone not to be rooted to the ideas of the sages and saints of the past by believing that somehow they are the only ones who could say wise things. Taste this:

Subject of God has also been favourite with me. This became my most popular Quote:

My love of dogs in general and Roger in particular is a recurring theme with me. Taste this:

I delve a lot into finding answers to Philosophical and Meta-Physical questions; questions about space, universe, God, Religion etc. I have a section called ‘Philosophy’ on my blog, wherein I give vent to these. Here is one of the quotes regarding this:

Love and Hate are subjects of Quotes for me too. Here is a genuine doubt reflected in a quote:

Whilst being on the subject of Love and Hate, here is one about Love and War and the uselessness of loving war:

All of us need some comforting thought or the other. For me, my most grateful thought has been that somehow God has not made me as miserable as He has made others. Thank God for that:

Here is a real tongue-in-cheek on the abundance of Free Advice available on the net these days, including my own!

Mahatma Gandhi believed in Simplicity. I have tried to reason out that most of Life’s lessons are simple indeed. Take a look:

Talking about Simplicity leading to Greatness, I genuinely feel that Being Poor at Heart is a great virtue indeed. The Quote below was as a result of this:

Here is my Quote on the Indian festival of Colour called Holi. This is totally tongue-in-cheek:

Love and Hate continued to fascinate me. One result was:

I considered that no subject is a taboo for me. The following is on the subject of Sex and it generated a fair deal of healthy discussion:

I also make Quotes on my observations. Here is one about great communication skills being mistaken for great knowledge:

http://www.dreamstime.com/-image21746016

Here is a bit of advice about giving and rendering service for others who can do nothing for you except to give you the gift of advice; but, it is the greatest gift.

Here is a humorous take on ‘forgetful husbands’. Is there another kind?

Here is another one on Free Advice:

I asked a genuine doubt if Heart has a Mind of its own. I received a number of smart answers:

And here is one about the place of Ego in Love:

Here is a real good one about the oft touted ‘Out-of-the-box’ thinking. Does it bring a smile on your face?

Here is one about taking on a popular saying and making the logic of it stand on its head. It was very well received:

Here is a dig on the ubiquitous and all powerful auditors: a necessary evil!

Ever heard of a word called Dililady? No? Well read the meaning:

Finally, let me end with one about the Mightier doing horrible things to those whom they find Meek and different; which is half the humanity or more! I cannot forget growing up as a boy belonging to a minority community in a majority state and being subjected to relentless taunts, abuses, innuendo and violence.

I am sure by now I have convinced you to subscribe to ‘Make Your Own Quotes’. What do you have to pay for the subscription? Nothing; not a paisa. It is totally free. All that you have to do is to Like the Page and it would be delivered to you on Facebook. You can make your own quotes and share these too with others.

Category: In Lighter Vein