Category: Humour

Dear People,

At one time I wasn’t very well read. I didn’t have any degrees in school; college I never went to. I knew a few jokes but no one ever laughed on them. I was as far away from poetry and writing as I could get. The only time I wrote something of my own was when the teacher asked me to write the spellings of ‘queue’ a hundred times. I had limited imagination. When asked how much was my IQ, I confidently answered, “I don’t queue. I stand by myself.”

I had no opinions about anything. One of the many reasons was that if I expressed anything, they would badger me with the IQueue thing and I never wanted to stand in the queue even if I’d miss the bus or the train.

My grammar was as poor as how about half the Indian population lives, that is, BPL. If I had to correspond with anyone, I preferred sending telegrams with a number conveying all that I wanted to.

But then, one day I discovered Whats App.

Now, I know everything. Well, almost everything. I could never get a degree such as BA, MA or MBBS. Now I am proud to be called MF or simply Master of Forwards. Soon, I shall be called WhD, a much more advanced degree than PhD. I am almost there with my Doctorate in WhatsApp.

Grammar is no more important to me. I substitute what I don’t know with emojis: which is almost everything.

My ‘finds’ on the net are admired (liked) by everyone, many by innovative use of emojis of their own; after all many of them share my qualifications and those who are well educated see great advantage in getting rid of their actual degrees and also strive to be MF and WhDs, the ‘in’ things.

From the time I learnt something called Copy-Paste (I am thinking of getting another degree in this) I have acquired the requisite skills in being a raconteur of anecdotes, jokes, poems and other stuff.

I have also joined the league of those who have opinions about everything. Hundred percent of my opinions are copied and pasted but who is wiser? Those who read are like me; those who know better don’t read this zilch anyway.

Darwin or some other joker said that there is survival of the fittest. I call it FFF or Fastest Finger First, the difference between an ordinary person and a Crorepati (from a programme successfully Copy-Pasted from abroad). Take for example, yesterday, when the Union Budget was announced. Indians, as you know, are dying to know how much more tax they have to pay (they are amongst the least tax compliant people on earth). So, with my FFF, I got to my friends Budget Highlights before they could get them to me. I am really smart. Ten minutes of delay and they would have won.

Finally, when they ask me about IQ, I tell them….

Sorry, I can’t tell you that here. Meet me privately and I shall bring you to the same ‘intellectual’ level that I am at.

Your co-researcher

The Lure of the Forwards

The guy who bemoans ‘Forwards’ is also the one who forwards these blithely? That’s the lure of the ‘Forwards’. Everyone falls prey to them sometime or the other. Everyone complains; everyone is excited to receive ‘Likes’ on ‘Forwards’.

First of all we like the ring about the word. It is a modernistic – well – forward thing to do. Imagine, if these were actually to be called ‘retards‘ (some of these are actually that only). We’d feel ashamed to share these. However, with ‘Forwards’, we have the feel-good factor of belonging to a generation that is in with new and exciting trends.

Why Are Forwards Attractive?

Lets look at some of the other things that make these attractive.

First and foremost is the ease of sharing these. Initially, WhatsApp encouraged people to forward videos, images and messages without much restriction. But, then governments (the people who are convinced that you elected them to control your lives) stepped in to restrict and monitor. Even with the present restrictions by WhatsApp, for example (of forwarding to not more than five contacts or groups at a time), you can still forward these to thousands of people without any cost to yourself except that of your time. But that’s less than five minutes most of the times.

Second is the absence of ownership. Most of these don’t carry any mark of the original author. Earlier, we used to hope that people reading our ‘forwards’ would regard us as ‘original’ authors or creators of the forwards. Now that WhatsApp has started inserting the word ‘forwarded’ with such messages, we hope to be regarded as their ‘original’ discoverers on the net with ‘painstaking research’ that we often want to be known for.

These have fuzziness of origin. This bestows on us forwarders great advantages. In case our friends are floored by it, we can share some more views on the subject. Conversely, we can disassociate with these altogether by saying, “Yaar, it is only a ‘forward’.” Now imagine if you were to share your friend’s original writing or creation (how we hate these); you would be bracketed with the views for no fault of yours.

These enable Delinking from the grammar. Most ‘Forwards’ make mockery of the grammar and the language in which they are expressed. You can totally delink from it. Lets say, you have to write something original (what a calamity). You have to be careful about language, grammar and so many other things including the correctness of the facts. Now, that would be painful. However, in a ‘Forward’ sab kuchh chalta hai (everything is fair). Most often than not, if you ain’t sure, you can replace the suspect word with an emoji. Or better still, if someone points out incorrectness of something, you can respond with an emoji and let him or her figure out what you meant.

These are not taxing on the brain. With the modern emphasis on fast food and instant gratification, ‘Forwards’ provide light reading and viewing. These go well with our own (acquired) reasoning: “As it is the ruddy life is complicated these days. I don’t want to read Dostoevsky or Franz Kafka on social media. I just want to get away from the humdrum of life (which is about eighty percent of my free time; but, I don’t want to say it).”

Take blogs (acronym for Web Logs), for example. There are any number of SEO (Search Engine Optimisation) organisations that would teach you not to write great articles but to write those (dumb ones) that would be popular on the net. Most bloggers, therefore, become net-savvy and technical-savvy rather than writing-savvy.

Forwards don’t ask questions.  Now this a great relief and advantage. Your friends who write original articles (the minority, that is) would nag you with such questions as, “I wrote a piece on China’s Maritime Strategy; I hope you read it?” Now, perforce, you have to read the damned thing and give opinions one way or the other (you can’t imagine responding to someone’s views on China’s Maritime Strategy with an emoji). A ‘Forward’ on the other hand can be just ignored when you are hard pressed for time (which is most of the times).

Forwards make you more popular. If you are one of the old-fashioned guys who actually delves into original writing after spending hours researching it, you are vaguely admired and respected by a few. The others respond to your so-called original writings in somewhat similar manner as they do to Mumbai Rains. Which is, that rains are most welcome when they start, say in mid June (“Ah, rains, so refreshing”). However, by mid July everyone is fed up of them. By mid August, you are praying frequently that there won’t be any more rains. In sharp contrast, ‘Forwards’ are like those light squalls that are welcome anytime, anywhere.

My own original writings, for example, hardly ever get me any comments except from a handful of people. However, my ‘brilliant Forwards’ are often (if not invariably) commented upon.

The ‘original authors and creators’ of ‘Forwards’ are really bright people. The guy who is essaying with something original has much to learn. However, “the ‘original authors and creators’ of ‘Forwards’ are highly professional people who are skilled to write what they write. It is such a pleasure reading them.”

Forwards, like Religion, do not carry time stamps.  They are like Tennyson’s Brook; they go on forever. In contrast, original writings, even blogs, carry time stamp. When you re-re-re-discover a ‘Forward’, you can start to get likes and comments as if it is just out of the oven.

What are the disadvantages, if at all, of ‘Forwards’?

It has been proved that out of all the people on earth, Indians indulge in ‘Forwards’ more than others. More than five years ago, in a piece titled ‘Indian Media And the Dumbing Down Of The Indian Society‘, I had brought out how the media falls head over heels to keep the society dumbed-down. What is true of the media is also true of the social media. ‘Forwards’ keep you from any serious writing, reading, research, thought and innovation. Yes, you emerge as a ‘Master of Forwards’ (MF) whereas you should be a MA or PhD.

Popularity at the expense of quality is another Indian trait. In our system of democracy, we expect the dumbest of the people to rule the country simply because they obtain majority votes. The intellectuals, innovators, writers, authors, scientists etc hardly have any say.

They spread rumours. Most ‘Forwards’ appear very authentic but do not stand scrutiny of factual examination. Like Religion, the more they spread, the more following they get and obtain a degree of respectability. Finally, the danger starts when people start quoting them as ‘authentic information’.

They produce clones. Do you remember at one time people used to have tailor-made clothes? Then came blue-jeans and sizes that would fit vast numbers of people. We did away with that uniqueness that God bestowed upon each one of us. That was in clothes. With ‘Forwards’ we are going to do with thoughts too. Very soon people would start looking like emojis.

Social interactions are all about ‘influencing’ people. I would rather influence minds that can respond with unique and original thought processes rather than minds that have been conditioned to resemble vegetables by relentless barrage of ‘Forwards’.