Category: Humour

It was dark, very dark. It must have been extra-sensory experience because though there was no light and she wasn’t shining or anything close to it, I could see her. I hadn’t seen her earlier, not even in my thoughts, but, I could recognise her instantly.

“God”, I told her in abject bewilderment, “How can I see you in the dark?”
She looked at me with equal dumbfoundment, “I am elated that you have the gumption to realise that God isn’t a He anymore. But, I am amazed that you can’t realise how you can see me. You see (“what an expression”, I thought) I make all rules, laws, science, philosophy, ideas and thoughts in the universe. So, I can make you see me even without the light.”

Courtesy: Angel Wallpapers

I know even my wife has the same power. She too can make me see what she wants me to see even in the dark. However, what an enromous power I would have, I thought, if this woman – sorry God – were to bestow upon me the ability to see everything in the dark? I wasn’t surprised when She read my thoughts and stopped me halfway in my new fantasy, “Don’t even think about it; you ain’t so special. Just because you call yourself sunbyanyname is no reason for me to give you extraordinary powers. First tell me, how did you figure out God is now a woman? It must be an independent thought because I didn’t give it to you.”

My, my, I actually had an ungodly thought. However, I let Her – God – know how I cottoned on to it (no point in having God against you), “I perceived it on facebook, twitter and blog.”

“Very observant, I say” She said, “But I think I made a big mistake. If someone half-witted as you could perceive that God is a woman, soon everyone will understand it. As it is people these days don’t believe in God; if they were to realise that I am a woman, all hell will break loose.”

“God” I reasoned with Her, “Let them know your true face (I nearly said facebook) or profile. Your angels on facebook, twitter and blog already know. So, why not let the men know it too?”

She wasn’t in a listening mood. Her mind was totally made up as most women’s minds. What she said next shocked me immensely, “I am thinking of taking away from men the thinking mind.”

I was flabbergasted; totally speechless. I instantly knew why She was doing it, so as to give a headstart to women in the same manner He or She had given to the men in the stone age. My first reaction was not to keep long hair lest She should reverse Time and have them (the women) go out and hunt and then drag us into the caves by our hair with their clubs resting on their shoulders. Anon I said, “We, men, are a proud lot. We would resent the loss of thinking mind.”

“No, you won’t” She said imperiously, “You won’t even realise the loss. For ages now you have let that thingy do the thinking for you. In any case you don’t use your mind much.”

Mindless, I thought. Really mindless.

Next moment, poof, and she was gone.

As sunbyanyname I am used to seeing the silver lining and I spotted it in a flash. If the women were to jeer us for our mindlessness as we taunt them for some attributes of theirs, we, men won’t have the mind to mind it.

P.S. This is my last thoughtful post. As She – God – decreed, soon men like me, real men that is, will have no mind to think.

Amen.

P.P.S. Come to think of it, She might change Amen to Awomen whilst keeping the meaning same.

If the title sounds like another version of ‘King and I’ so be it; I had goosebumps on being face to face with Mr. Smooth Fingers. It wasn’t anything like I had ever imagined: my first experience at being pick-pocketed or nearly pick-pocketed. I didn’t even feel a thing. A hand brushed the right side of my bottom and stayed there just a wee bit longer than the casual brush; and my first reaction was that someone had misunderstood my realtionship status and was trying to make a pass. The next moment my back-pocket, heavy with the burden of my wallet felt lighter. It had all my credit cards, Driving License, PAN Card, ECHS ((Defence) Employees Contributory Health Scheme) card – indeed everything that helps me proveto others who I am. I won’t have minded if someone had taken my Service Discharge Certificate for having done nearly 35 years of commissioned service in the Indian Navy because, on retirement, that didn’t help me get a ration card or a bank account (“sorry we don’t accept this as the proof of your residence or date of birth or anything; but if you have a copy of your credir card bill, or your electricity bill, that is acceptable”. Now that the Army Chief has tried to prove that his DoB as given in his Service Records is not correct, this Service Discharge Certificate, henceforth, will have even less value).

Courtesy: fs.fed.us

My reflex action, the kind the armed forces are famous for, came in handy and I caught the arm that made my pocket lighter. The comparison with ‘King and I’ ceased. This young boy of about fourteen was as far removed from Yul Brynner as you can get; and I was no Anna either. As we alighted from the train in a mad rush of humanity, he would have never imagined that someone would catch him. There was a brief look of pity and defeat on his face (no remorse though) but the next instant he had fully recovered, “Your wallet was falling, Sir; I caught it. You are lucky. Else you could have lost it. Next time, Sir; you must carry it in the front pocket. You may like to give me a small reward.” He rattled out breathlessly as if he had rehearsed this escape route a thousand times.

It was smart and credible. I laughed my guts out if only because I remembered having buttoned my rear pocket and there was no question of the wallet negligently falling out. I pocketed the wallet with my other hand and told him that I would certainly reward him. “No, not the Police Station”, he told me pitifully, “The police would take money from both of us. That’s the way they sort out disputes. Why don’t you buy me a meal?”

Once again, this was ridiculous. This young boy after his unsuccessful attempt at pick-pocketing was demanding a meal of me as if he had actually done me a favour. He was a great actor and having acted in and directed a few plays myself, I admired his impromptu performance. “All right, lets go. But, no running away until we both have finished.” “Promise”, he said with the sincerity of the movie-goers at the rendition of the national anthem before the show.

We settled with our eats: he with a vegetarian combo and a large Pepsi and me with Mac Chicken Nuggets and a coffee. His opener instantly made me feel guilty, “Apun aapke bete ke maafiq lagta kya?” (Do I look like your son?). He told me that his father was a shoe-shiner opposite Mumbai CST Station (“Bapu ghabraya apun ko dekhke; maine signal diya ahl ij well” (My father was frightened to see me with you. I signalled to him all is well)

“What about your mother”, I asked him. He told me she was a maid-servant in a rich family. He sipped his Pepsi and strated his monologue. I shall skip the bambaiya and the translation and give only the gist. He said the art of pick-pocketing was dying down; during his father’s days, it was considered a great blot on the career (he actually pronounced it ‘carrier‘) of a pocket-maar if he’d ever come anywhere close to getting caught. “Today”, he said, “my career is not really ruined because you caught me. We have been told to avoid policemen (easily distinguishable by their sloppiness and paunch) and faujis (armed forces personnel) (easily distinguishable by thier haircuts and smart looks). Indeed, we respect the faujis. One of my friends once picked the pocket of a fauji. He found nothing other than an I-card. An Armed Forces I-card can be sold for more than a Lakh Rupees, but, we are opposed to it on principle. But, you don’t see the Netas (politicians) having any principles. They are the biggest pocket-maars; and then stash away money in foreign banks.”

He considered the property dealers and land-developers as equally big pocket-maars, the doctors and engineers, Brihanmumbai Municipal Corporators who have make loads of money by giving contracts about road-repairs to fraudulent contractors year after year when janata (public) suffers. A guy in his chawl (slum) got killed when a dumper went over him after his motorcycle toppled in a pot-hole during monsoons. What about the police? “Apun mehnat ka kamai khata hai aur vo behan-c–d police wala; khali peeli apun se hafta leta pocket maarne ka. Vo chor nahin hai kya?” (We earn our living with hard work, but that sister f—–r, he receives his cut from us for pick-pocketing. Isn’t he a thief too? He told me that his blood boils to see people like them making money by underhand means and still get a standing in the society.

Courtesy: ideachampions.com

After that we started some quick Qs and As; a sort of rapid-fire round. What got him into being a pocket-maar? “Family tradition”, he told me. How big was he when he got into it; I shouldn’t have asked him, already knowing the answer made famous by A Bachchan, “Bus youn samjhiye ke jabse hosh sambhala hai apne pairon pe khade hain.” (Well, since the time he became old enough to think, he is been on  his two feet). What about the necessary skills? These are, he said, passed down the generations: smooth fingers, sharp blade to rip a bag in a bus or train and take out ladies purses etc, engaging the victim in conversation, creating adequate confusion, run-away acts, techniques of chain snatching, removing watches, cell phones, and other precious items. What about the girls, I asked? Well, he said, they are now getting to be more successful than the boys, “Bahut chaalu cheez hai ladki log. Mard ke pocket mein haath rakhta to saala bahut khus hota; aur bh—i ka bahut dance karke pocket marvaata” (Girls are very street smart. They keep their hand on a man’s pocket and he feels good and then it is easy to fleece him when he is dancing).

He translated my continued interest into my acquiescence for his having a swirl ice-cream cone. He took my money, went to the counter, paid for and collected the ice cream, and then rejoined me on the table. He narrated an incident whence he stole a man’s cellphone. There was his wife’s number saved and then the ba—–d had a string of girls that he was trying to patao (deceive with promises). He phoned each one of them in the night from the man’s phone and told them about the man’s deeds. None of them even knew that he was married. His advice to them was to do something honourable like becoming a pocket-maar and not bring disrepute to their families by falling for a crook.

My last question to him was what he did in his spare time. I was not at all prepared for the answer: he studied in an evening school (School on Wheels) and he hoped to become a doctor, “Pocket maar daakter nahin, sahib, per imaandaar dakter. Pocket maar hamari majboori hai; dhanda nahin in logon ke maafiq” (I don’t want to become a pocket maar doctor though; pick-pocketing is my compulsion not a vocation like these people.

He parted and I sat silently to watch him all the way to find his next victim at Mumabi CST. His opening words still ring in my ears, “Apun aapke bete ke maafiq lagta kya?”

Cellphones have become part of our life; so much so that an ad campaign shows the mobile phone craving for a man’s attention – through urgent ringtone – even when he, with his would be wife, are taking rounds of the nuptial fire (agni), or attending a funeral, or a class in a college or even in the library. Together with the cellphone have come various styles of attending to the calls or talking on the phone. I am listing out some that I have observed. You can add to it in the comments below.The queerest of them all is what I call the Jain wayof talking. This person has the hand in front of his mouth, covering his trap, half his face and extending it to the cellphone at his ear. He or she is convinced that if they don’t direct the sound energy from the mouth to the ear, the phone and hence the recipient won’t be able to catch it.

Then there is the man who feels every phone conversation is a public address. He walks up and down with his phone at the ear and is loudly discussing transactions with the third party. He is totally oblivious of the crowds around him; however, they can’t be so oblivious of him thanks to his irritable pacing and taking for granted that people around him would be totally interested how much he gets out of a truck full of old gunny bags.

I just love this style: the phone rings and the man or the woman looks around as if betrayed by the ring. He or she then picks up the phone furtively and goes to the corner of the room like a scared puppy and talks into it like a prompter in a play.

Pic courtesy: zyozy.org

This is not an article; it is an advertisement for a new organisation that I am setting up. The organisation is called AIMS (Association of International Mood Setters). There is golden opportunity in it for any man or woman who likes the idea and joins the organisation and has the necessary potential and skills to become a Mood Setter (MS). The idea though is Copyright protectedand hence you are cautioned not to try it out on your own.Let me explain the concept of Mood Setting. Lets say one has an assignment. One plunges into the assignment without one’s mood being set appropriate to the assignment. One can otherwise be very well qualified for the assignment; however, the attitude makes a lot of difference. Attitude has got two components: a fixed component based on years of conditioning that a person goes through and a variable component depending upon the mood that a person is in. The pie chart below shows the share of mood (variable component) in the overall attitude of a person.

Copyright: AIMS

 

The following graph brings out the importance of the variable component, ie, the mood, towards the success of an assignment.

Copyright: AIMS

It can thus be made out that mood plays an important role in success of assignments. And yet, for reasons beyond comprehension, not enough studies have been done to promote Mood Setting. AIMS intends to fill up the gap.

To easily understand the concept, take the case of an assignment of modeling. Lets say a model has to do a shoot for an ad depicting a headache or toothache or a near relative having died so as to bring out the need for an analgesic or right toothpaste or an insurance policy. In 30 seconds of the advertisement the model has to go through emotions ranging from extreme pain or sorrow to sudden joy or relief. You will say that the entire thing depends upon the acting prowess of the model. Right? Wrong. Acting prowess is the fixed skill of an individual (refer to graphs above). If one is not in the right mood, the entire shoot can be a failure.

To explain it further, lets say the model’s boy friend has, that morning, accepted her persistent suggestion that she be taken out for dinner. She is on top of the world with feet hardly touching the ground. At this stage if she was to be asked to do an ad for air ballooning, she would perhaps be in the right mood. However, death of a relative or headache are far away from her buoyant mood. That’s where a qualified Mood Setter comes in handy. He or she has enormous experience at Mood Setting and proceeds, as an example, as per following flow diagram (in this case the depiction is to set the mood from buoyant to pained):

Copyright: AIMS

Lets take another scenario. And here I don’t mind telling you big bucks are there for the asking for the Mood Setter: A politician has to suddenly visit a flood affected area. This would involve looking sad at the plight of hundreds of countrymen who would have lost their houses, near and dear ones, livelihood, livestock etc. The politician would have never remotely come across this situation. So, even if he tries his best acting skills – which most of them do from the time of campaigning for elections onwards – he/she is unlikely to be in the appropriate mood for empathising with the victims of the flood. In today’s age of media ubiquitousness, such politicians are often caught on the camera smiling to the crowds that is seen by the victims as not being in sync with the gloomy mood of the situation. That’s where our Mood Setter comes in. Just ten minutes with the minister, in his plane, whilst on the way to flood-affected area, are sufficient to get the minister into the right mood. He is thus able to avoid the kind of faux pas that George Bush made when he said, “What the f__k is that?” not knowing that the microphone was on; or, of the Indian External Affairs Minister happily reading the wrong speech in the UN.

The business of Mood Setting has unlimited opportunities, at the higher levels, at the middle levels and day to day or routine levels. Let me give an example each of each level. At the higher level: lets say the Maharashtra government is toying with the idea of a new airport near Panvel (indeed they have been planning this for the last 20 years). Various surveys have been done, reports prepared, technical panels have discussed ad infinitum the feasibility, budgetary estimates made etc. So, why are we not going further than putting a board saying: Site for Airport? Once again, it would be a big mistake to think that there are such issues as environmental clearance that are keeping the coconut to be broken over launching the project. The actual reason is that the concerned people and authorities are not in the right frame of mind. In other words: not in the right mood. That is where my organisation can help. Our highly qualified mood setters, at nominal cost, can change the mood, say, within a week.

Take the middle level. Indian Cricket Team won the ODI World Cup and we were the best team in the world for Test Cricket. This means that we had the requisite skills to be the world champs. And yet, the hammering that we got in the recent tour to England made us look like nincompoops; playing cricket for the first time. What went wrong? Analysis done at AIMS shows that they were not in the right mood (they were, for example, in the IPL Mood whereas it requires a different mood altogether to play international cricket abroad). Mood Setting is really a specialised business. Our SMEs (Subject Matter Experts) have proven abilities to change the mood of any cricketing team. Team India could have very well won in England if they had consulted us.

Lastly, here is an example of a routine day-to-day level. You and family, lets say, have to visit another family whose son has topped the university in BA exam whereas your own son has failed miserably. They are celebrating and expect you to share their bubbly and happiness. Our MS will sit with you for precisely 15 mins and you would be in the right mood to visit your friend. What’s more is that since you won’t be moping or sulking, he is likely to stay your friend even after your visit.

Let me give one last example: your boss, for apparently no fault of yours, gave you a dressing down because of a fire or other botch-up in the premises. You feel it was uncalled for. In the evening he calls you home for dinner for the ring ceremony of his only daughter. If you continue being in the morning mood, eventually you can say goodbye to your job. Our trained Mood Setters, after they have finished with you, make it look like to you as if it is your daughter who has the ring ceremony. You don’t have a daughter? Well, don’t mind, you have no idea of the powers of professional mood setting.

Still not convinced to join my organisation? Well, do you know that you have come to the end of this article because I, a qualified Mood Setter, actually willed you to change your mood from murders, scams, arrests, corruption, Anna, Raja, Kalmadi, Amar Singh, Pakistan, Afghanistan etc. And I did it without charging any fees. Think of how your mood would change if you were to hire me or any of my qualified Mood Setters.

Please write your EOI (Expression Of Interest) in my organisation in the Comments below and I shall get back to you.

Mood Setting is the road to success, these days; the next best thing after Facebook and Twitter. Those who want to seek the help of AIMS in solving their inappropriate mood problems, please book on line on the AIMS portal. I shall send you a Mood Setter after we have completed the current assignments of Indian politicians, Bollywood actors, cricketers and jailed leaders.

When I was small, knowing the full forms/expansions of abbreviations and acronyms used to be one of the important things in GK, ie, General Knowledge. Many of us nearly failed when confronted with RSVP, UNESCO, FIFA, IOA, YMCA, WHO and the like.Over a period of time the expansions of some of these acronyms and abbreviations have changed. New meanings have emerged.

Also, over a period of time, a number of more such organisations and their acronyms are emerging. Some of these may appear to be deceptively similar to the existing ones but look again and you will see why these are different and urgently required.

• TSJLT        –  Traffic School for Jumping Lanes Tactics.
• IDYTO       –   Institute for Doing Your Thing in the Open.
• YMTA        –   Young Men Terror Association.
• YWTA        –   Young Women Terror Association.
• CII              –   Centre for Idling with Impunity.
• MP             –   Moneyed Person.
• MLA          –   My Livelihood Assured.
• NETA         –   Never Easy To Arrest.
• IACS          –   Indian Association of Compulsive Spitters.
• HHU          –   Horny Honkers Union.

Of course India is a young nation with average age of Indians being just 29 years. Paeans have been written and sung about how the young work-force is an asset for the nation. However, anywhere you go, you can’t get over the fact that there are too many of us.The other day an English friend of mine who is working in Dubai remarked about the driving habits of Indians there. He said whilst driving they come so close to one another in a lane that it is stifling. I explained to him that this habit comes from the fear that if they leave sufficient space between the vehicles, another car would come and fill the gap and they would lose the position. This frequently happens in Mumbai traffic. Vehicles jockey for every inch of space. You can frequently find yourself dangerously placed with huge trucks and buses all around you. Let alone driving space, there is scarce breathing space.

It is the same with forming queues of people. In an intense anxiety not to lose our position we, Indians, don’t leave any gaps between people. We touch, shove, kick, push, pull. Lets say someone has to cross the queue; no one is willing to move back to let the person cross, fearful that if one does one would find oneself pushed behind at best or out at worst.

A usually ‘quiet’ street scene in India (Pic courtesy: My Blog Maze)

There is no privacy anywhere even momentarily. If ever you go on the beach or picnic in the woods, try finding an isolated place. By the time you finish spreading the mat and open your hamper there are people all around you with their kids kicking the football or the sand right into your face.

There is a 1950 song sung by Talat Mahmood with lyrics by Majrooh Sultanpuri: “Ai dil mujhe aisi jagah le chal jahan koi na ho” (O’ heart, take me to such a place where there is no one). Well, it might have been possible in India of 1950. It is not possible now six decades later. Indians, the rich ones at least, are buying islands abroad to escape the ubiquitous flow of humanity that we have here.

Jobs are scarce; parking space is well nigh impossible; getting a berth in a train is an ordeal; driving is a nightmare; we make more filth and noise than any country in the world. It makes you think whether in some way or the other having a large population is of some use to us. I have put on my thinking cap and come up with the following advantages:

• We cannot be ignored. We are one sixth of humanity. Soon we shall move up. A time will come when we shall be one fourth, one third, and finally half the humanity.
• Foreign firms are keen to introduce their products in India assured of large patronage.
• Our points of view matter for the sheer force of numbers behind these; eg, we now dictate terms to ICC.
• In case there is a tug of war between populations of nations we will certainly win.
• Rent-a-crowd for political rallies is never a problem. This keeps the morale of the politicians high.
• We are able to send large contingents to UN, foreign visits, olympics etc. These win us large amounts of respect especially when and if we win a medal.
• Potentially we have large work force to repair and build roads, become teachers in our schools, join armed forces to defend the nation and devote their lives to infrastructural projects. It may not be happening now, but, perhaps a time will come when people would actually take such initiatives.
• In case of any adverse fallouts of global economy we are protected as most of our products and services are meant for domestic consumption.
• Someone someday is bound to generate energy from the litter, noise, defecation, spitting and urinating that we adorn our public places with.
• Nothing that we make is ever a failure since we are assured of people buying it, seeing it, visiting it or hiring it. This gives impetus to any enterpreneur initiative.
• Gods are happy with so many people worshipping them. Hence, not just Kerala,we can call the whole nation as Gods Own Country.
• No one in our country need to ever feel lonely.
• The census guys are always kept busy; no sooner have they finished counting us when we add another few crores to the number. India discovered Zero because we were soon to add many of these zeroes to our population.
• Our movies and music are instantly more popular than any other movies and music in the world.

Well, as a first list, I think it would suffice. I have asked my hundred cousins, fifty brothers and sisters and a thousand larger family members to help me prepare the second list. Perhaps, even the readers can help.

We, in India, from ancient times till now, hold footwear in great awe and respect. I don’t know about earlier times, but, from the time of Lord Rama, sandals are regarded as good as the king himself, the ruler, the monarch. Bharat, in the absence of Lord Rama, ruled Ayodhya through the latter’s sandals.Seen in this light one cannot understand the brouhaha about Mayawati sending an aeroplane to fetch her sandals. Looked at it in a certain way, it is just an expression of her desire to usher in Ram-rajya in her state Uttar Pradesh.

Mayawati’s genuine desire to quickly get at her sandals goes well with her dalit image honed perfectly by putting the symbol of poverty and frugality, the elephant, all over the state. This, in a way, can be described a Gandhian way of doing things; if you recall that it used to cost a lot allowing Gandhi to travel with the common man in the third class in the trains.

Mayawati – bringing in Ram-rajya. Pic Courtesy: India Daily

Afterall, if Mayawati was not giving out a lesson in frugality she would have shown scant respect for fellow Indians by going the Imelda Marcos way and have a number of planes fetch a number of her sandals; if the readers care to remember Imelda and her husband when they fled Philippines didn’t wait for their countrymen to shower their footwear in rememberance of a job well done as President and Mrs President, but, merely took a few hundred of her own whilst fleeing. Likewise, Mayawati won’t be too sure if the populace of UP would like to part with their footwear to show respect for her rule. So, her attachment to her own sandals can be excused. Lets also be thankful that she has merely fetched sandals and not hurled it on anyone, which is also becoming quite common. But, she won’t stoop so low.

Talking about Presidents, how can we forget His Excellency, Giani Zail Singh, the hon’ble President of India? His claim that if Smt Indira Gandhi wanted him to sweep the floor, he would do so happily. Each one of our dignitaries, from the President to Parliamentarians to Chief Ministaers to MLAs (Members of Legislative Assemblies) have brought great dignity to their posts by such acts as Zail Singh Ji’s, by hurling footwear and other removable things at one another, and by offering and accepting underhand cash for what they are supposed to do. So possessive they are about the lofty reputation they have built up, that when a commoner like Anna Hazare and his team, do the unthinkable of getting people on their side, they instantly talk about dignity and supremacy of parliament.

In the end we have to consider who is more important, a Foreign Minister of a failed state like Pakistan, Hine Rabbani Khar (who spends a huge sum of money on her Birkin bag) or a Chief Minister of India’s largest state, Mayawati. A pair of sandals is actually a useful item; whereas a bag is just a fashion statement.

By requisitioning a plane to get her sandals Mayawati is also signalling that we Indians take tradition more seriously than wasting planes to be used as missiles against unfriendly nations. It is such an innocent act that we don’t have to start a GWOF (Global War on Footwear).

India is 141st in the world in Human Development Index; it is 135th most dangerous nation out of 153; Mumbai is 116th in world big cities in livability. However, whenever we have to compare ourselves we don’t stop at any other nation but compare ourselves straight with America. It is not just with the media or the intelligentia. You go to the remotest village in the country and the commonest of the men would tell you, “Yahan jo ho raha hai vo umreeka main nahin hota. Traffic bade niyam se chalta hai vahan.”(What happens here does not happen in America. Traffic has to follow certain rules there)If you now ask this person when did he last go to America; the chances are that he has never been there. Ask him next if he has any friends or relatives there? Once again you are likely to draw a blank. It is just that he imagines everything will be well in the “best country in the world – America“.

I am reminded of this yokel who returned to his village after extensive “world tour”. He was showing off about how he spent a week in umreeka, a week in London, a week in Germany, a week in Hongkong, a week in Paris and so on. The others just stared at him until one of them who had studied in primary school commented, “Bahut achhe. Aapka geography ka knowledge to bahut improve ho gaya hoga.” (Very good; your knowledge of geoagraphy must have improved a lot). The yokel’s immediate response was, “Ek hafta vahan bhi rahe” (Stayed for one week there (in geography) too).

The armed forces, politicians, bureaucrats, industrialists, actors, actresses and other film people, music people, scientists, teachers and academicians; virtually each and everyone has America as an ideal. We denigrate America in public life; in and out of parliament. However, whenever a neta has an illness the first country that he/she runs to for treatment is America.

We fondly draw comparisons between the US and India; how we are natural allies: world’s largest democracy hobnobbing with the most functional one. “And by the way, theirs is as messy politics as ours“, we say proudly.

In public life we take a person or institution to task for sharing any secrets with America. But, as in the case of David Coleman Headley’s case, we privately share secrets and hope like hell it won’t be public because of such nuisances as Wikileaks (who have even given names of politicians belonging to both ruling party and opposition having large accounts in Swiss and German banks; but that is another story).

One country that we want America to sort out for us is our half-brother Pakistan. We imagine they have the power as they did during Kargil War. Once again, we do not want America to intervene. However, we expect it to sort out nuisances around us without intervening.

The only thing that we don’t want America to sort out is the mess that we have made of our own country: in corruption, governance, city planning, traffic (that kills more people in a year than most wars around the world), intelligence, human rights, police reforms etc because these would be interfering inthe “internal matters” of the country. That America gives support to Su Kyi in Myanmar, and dissidents in China, is lauded by us. But, we are a democracy; we have every right to quell dissidence by invoking “supremacy of parliament.” Obama ji, please keep clear of our domestic matters. These are the only things that give us a sense of power.

Our NRIs in America have a similar love-hate relationship towards US of A. Whilst in America, they extol the goodness of Indian way of life; however, should they decide to take a trip (the annual one to meet relatives) to India, they show off how backward India and Indians are to America and Americans.

The relationship, then, trudges along like this; blowing hot in private, blowing cold in public. Irrespective of what they do in AfPak region; when an American in authoritative position, during visit to our great nation, dances with the village women in Rajasthan, close to Delhi, all is forgiven and forgotten.

“Yeh dosti hum nahin chhodenge…..”

Names are important for both. As Guru Granth Sahib says, “Changa naam rakhayi ke jas kirat jag le.” (By keeping a good name you (hope to) earn a lot of fame and repute in this world). Similarly, the name of your child or blog has to be in sync with what you want him/it to become.

And what about the first time? Do you remember the first time your child said something? For whatever it is worth, all he may have said was “goo”, but, you were walking on cloud nine. Don’t you think it is the same with the blog? It appears inane to you, Sir? Well, don’t forget it is not cut and pasted. It is as original as my son’s “goo” or “ta ta ta”. Today, it is “goo”, ma’am. Tomorrow, he’d write poetry better than Shakespeare.

There used to be any number of children of Arjun’s age who would rattle out poetry, history, current affairs and facts and were accomplished in games or other hobbies such as photography. Parents used to show off their medals and awards and trophies. I used to spend sleepless nights thinking why was my child not as smart. Now too, I look around and see superbly laid out blogs with excellent google page ranks, Alexa ranks and other ranks. And then I look at my own; why can’t my child do as well?

I feel like Waheeda Rehman singing to her newly conceived child in ‘Mujhe Jeene Do’ (Let Me Live):

“Tere bachpan ko jawani ki dua deti hun,

Aur dua deke preshaan si ho jaati hun.”

((My child), I pray for your childhood to step into youth,
But after praying, I become full of anxiety)

Could I have adopted a fully grown blog? But then, it won’t entirely have been my own. Also, it would probably signal to the world that I don’t have the spunk to father one of my own.

So, dear readers, as my child fumbles its way through its childhood, forgive it if its babbling and baby-talk does not have the intellectual bent that you all are used to. It stands and falls, falls and stands; but, eventually it would learn to run and even climb hills.

Sunbyanyname, my child, I am your father and mother rolled into one. Come last in the class, if you wish to. Be a laggard in sports if you can’t help it. Dawdle your way through. However, don’t ever cheat. Also, don’t ever be afraid to say what you feel is right. Whatever you become, I want you to stand on your own.

It isn’t a race, my son. In your style of doing things, you would always be Number One to me.

Your rank will always be the highest to me.

Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are.
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky.

Fed up of driving on Indian roads? Frustrated with our driving habits? Well, we have a good thing going and you are either not aware of it or don’t have respect for Indian values. In your hurry to denigrate us you have missed out the following:

1. India is the only country in the world where we have “environmentally friendly” roads. You are never too far from mother Nature.

Environmentally Friendly Road in Mumbai

2. If it hadn’t been for these roads, people living in cities would never know what it is like staying in villages. These roads, therefore, inadvertently result in “national integration”.

Village? Well, no, it is in the heart of Mumbai

3. We heard Neil Armstrong on the moon with his “one small step for me, one big leap for mankind” and wondered when would an Indian be able to say that. Now, at least in Mumbai, we say it everyday when we take our “big leap” over the craters that invariably start with a small step.

Pic courtesy Hitxp Blogzine by Gurudev

4. There are hardly any chances of meeting with accidents which can’t be ruled out if one goes at crater-less roads with high speed.
5. These roads make you believe in God; indeed, several times during your journey you will think of Him. “Hey Ishwar, us paar (used to be said for our life on Earth) pahuncha de.” (O’ God, make me reach the other side(most Indian scriptures think of this world as an ocean that we have to cross))
6. These roads provide means of living/employment for several people including politicians, municipal councillors, contractors, labourers, and motor mechanics. Taste this:

 

7. In various other countries – I don’t know why they call them advanced nations when we Indians are far more advanced – they have to drive to get to water sports. We in India have water sports along the way.

Pic courtesy PTI

8. Many people in these so called advanced countries just reach their destination. Nothing great or big deal about it. For us in India reaching a destination is a celebration of sorts. Many of us want to go straight to the temples to thank the gods. Here too we have looked at the people’s convenience: most of the pandals (a temporary structure) for gods are right at the roads.

A pooja pandal in the middle of the road at Turbhe (Mumbai)

9. Indian roads, just like Yoga and meditation, teach us power of concentration. Can anyone ever think of taking their eyes of the road?

 

Last night, with body full of Psoriatic lesions, as I tossed around in my bed, waiting for (what I thought to be) my beloved Sleep to come to me, take me in her arms, and give me the much-needed relief from pain and itchiness, I found that – what has become common now – Sleep had abandoned me. Like a jilted lover I have now decided to make my affair with Sleep public so that the readers can decide what went wrong. I can’t keep it under wraps anymore. Here are the two mails that were exchanged between me and her. You be the judge.

Every innovation, new organisation or set-up comes with a new vocabulary that changes the way we look at things and respond. The Navy, for example, has a totally different lingo that the land-lubbers find quaint. ‘Port’, ‘Starboard’, ‘Aye Aye’ ‘Bundleman’ ‘Son of the gun’ etc are some of the words that have invaded our consciousness because of the Navy. When Internet was launched, we were exposed to a brand new lingo, which has become so common now that when we tell someone to ‘google‘ something, we know that he/she would understand that we want him/her to look up all available information about the thing. Similarly, we use the words ‘Cut and Paste’ to denote an item that someone has plagiarised.Together with the new lingo comes our interpretation and jokes about the same. Many years back, after India purchased the Swedish Howitzers from Bofor company and there were allegations of large scale kick-backs, the word ‘Bofor‘ became synonymous with bribery and corruption. I took a cab in Delhi and started discussing the current politics with the cab driver. We were discussing the situation in Bihar. During the discussions the cab-driver told me, “Mujhe to iss mein kuchh bofor lagta hai.” (I suspect some bofor in it)

A similar thing has happened in India with the words ‘Scam’, ‘Adarsh’, ‘Incumbency’, ‘Plot’, ‘Loot’, ‘BHK’ ‘Budget’, ‘Bollywood’ etc. Irrespective of the language being used, such words creep in the discussions and everyone understands their meaning and context.

One recent word made famous by ‘Facebook’ is ‘Like‘. Millions of people now ‘Like‘ things – photos, comments, news, events, people, songs, videos more than they ever did in their lives. Let us say there is a news item that reads: ‘India’s national capital Delhi is the most unsafe for teen girls’. You don’t want to record your comments; no, not as yet. So you press the ‘Like‘ button mechanically. Now, if someone were to ask you if you really like teen girls being unsafe in Delhi, it would fill you with surprise. You look for various explanations to defend your ‘reflex‘ action. “Oh, that? I pressed ‘Like‘ to record my appreciation of the plight of these girls being ‘finally’ highlighted.”

Now that the word ‘Like‘ has become so commonplace, lets reflect on what all does it denote. Here are some translations:

• I truly appreciate the item.
• I don’t have time to read it fully or record a comment.
• I couldn’t care less one way or the other.
• ‘Like’ a hole in the head.
• I have read your comment.
• I am bookmarking this item to read at leisure.
• Stop it NOW or else.
• Okay, I have ‘Liked’ it, what now?
• Does it really matter?
• I am ‘Liking’ it but don’t get me involved in it, for heavens sake.
• I expect you too to ‘Like‘ when I put up something.
• There was no other choice and so I pressed ‘Like‘.

If you ever ask people to explain what they have ‘Liked‘, my guess is that a considerable percentage of them wouldn’t have even read the article or gone through the pictures or video. They would be like the boss asking the secretary to give him a list of people that he calls by their first-names.

Life has, therefore, becomes easier for all us who press ‘Like‘ and get it over with. How nice and convenient it would be if Life would actually become like that? What all meanings we would be able to convey to people if we were to use the facebook ‘Like‘ in real life? Here are some examples:

• We really ‘Like‘ your visiting us on a sunday afternoon. (No, no, it is so boring to have our siesta on the only day of the week we can)
• I ‘Like‘ the beautiful dress that you are wearing. (You picked it up from the roadside didn’t you?)
• We ‘Like‘ your children having got 95 percent marks in matriculation. (Doesn’t look like they have any other interersts; in any case, these days the more you cheat, the more you get rewarded)
• We ‘Like‘ the three hundred seventy eight pictures of your son’s graduation ceremony. (Come to our house sometime and let us return the honour)
• We ‘Like‘ your invitation for a lecture on ‘Breeding Habits of the Common Fly’.
• You are ready to jail corrupt Indian politicians? We ‘Like‘ it. (As long as they are from the opposition)
• Actress A, B, or C bares all? I ‘Like‘ it. (In private, I can’t tell you what would I do with her nude picture)
• India declares another holiday to commemorate another national leader? We (really) ‘Like‘ it.
• Pakistan refused aid by US after yet another evidence of the former’s involvement in terror plot? We ‘Like‘ it. (However, very soon Pakis would find other means of siphoning aid)

One of my friends, on facebook, is the most ‘Like able’ guy. There is nothing that he hasn’t ‘Liked‘ from Priyanka Chopra to CBMs between India and Pakistan. There are times, however, when I actually want him to read or see something. Any suggestions how should I go about it?

There are many serious mysteries of life; for example, whether there is God or not, where do we go after death, whether you get reward or punishment for your deeds in this world or the next, and whether you go only when your time comes or is it left to chance?This article is not about that. This article is about those everyday mysteries of life that we cannot find answers to; or at least cannot find easy answers. Ours is a world of research on anything at all; eg, a billion dollar research on finding out what makes a woman buy what she does when she visits the mall. So, how is it that adequate reserch has not been done on the following even though, in varying degrees, these affect us all:

• How is it that when some other child cries incessantly we find it so repugnant; however, when our own Tinku cries it is music to our ears?
• How is it that fathers don’t want their daughters to do with their dates that they themselves wanted to do with their dates when young?
• How is it that when you think you can’t take anymore life surprises you with the reminder that what you had until then were good times and the worst is yet to come?
• How is it that there is no breeze until you open your newspaper?
• How is it that the vehicle ahead of you is slow like a snail but the one approaching from behind is in indecent haste?
• How is it that your dog invariably senses the mood you are in; but your spouse never does?
• How is it that your boss decides to go home early when you have decided to work late?
• How is it that the telephone numbers of Enquiries at Railways and Airlines are always engaged?
• How is it that everybody you have met has lost money at the Stock Exchange?
• How is it that guests invariably arrive early when you haven’t dressed up after cooking but make you wait for hours when everything is ready?
• How is it that when you have paid in advance the vendor finds it so hard to remember the time of delivery but his memory shows tremendous improvement if he discovers you owe him money?
• How is it that buses are too few when you have to wait for them but the roads are littered with them when you have to drive?
• How is it that when the electricity is there the fan hardly provides any air but after the lights go off you have problem in lighting a candle due to excessive breeze?
• How is it that you remember the telephone number of your ex-flame even after years but have problem remembering your present number?