NO IFS AND BUTTS – BOTTOMS ARE IMPORTANT

The first blog post of the year 2012 for me should be making me look ahead. However, in this post, I am looking behind or rather looking at behinds; or, as the Indians call it – at the back sides.

And all this is because of an end-of-the-year snippet in the newspaper that a certain Natalie Thomas has insured her bottom for a huge amount. The reason? She is paid for checking the softness of beds in hotels in London; and like Lata Mangeshkar insuring her throat, Natalie too has insured that part of her body that makes her do what she is good at. She said she enjoys doing what she is doing and we shouldn’t be surprised.

It is an asset to have a sensitive behind. One of the definitions of a smart-ass is: a person who can sit on a cone of ice-cream and tell you what flavour it is.

Kissing or paying lip-service to another person’s behind, rear, bottom or back side is the highest form of devotion, flattery or subservience. I am reminded of an instructor tutoring the boy-scouts about survival techniques in the jungles. Inevitably, the subject veered around to snakes and more particularly snake-bites. The instructor told the boy-scouts that in case of snake-bite they should immediately put their mouth to the position of the bite and suck out all the venom and spit it out. The scouts wanted to know what if the snake bites in a place that cannot be reached by their mouths. “That’s simple” said the instructor, “You should ask a friend to suck out.” There was a last persistent doubt by one of the scouts, “What happens if a snake bites at the bottom.” And the instructor replied, “That’s when you come to know who your friends are.”

Then there is the story of a woman having met with an accident. A part of her cheek got mutilated and after the wound got healed she required skin transplant to make it look alright. Her husband offered to donate his skin and the doctor, in order that the husband shouldn’t sacrifice his own looks for that of his wife’s, took the skin from his bottom to be transplanted on his wife’s face. Later, the office mates asked him if it was painful for him to donate his skin. “Yes” confirmed the man, “But, I do get my kicks every time my mother-in-law kisses my wife on the cheek”.

Women, always have had this curious advantage in having a shapely butt. An actress of yore, Ava Gardner, was arguing with the cameraman that he never showed her best side. “How can I” retorted the cameraman, “You are always sitting on it?”

A few years back  JeLo or Jennifer Lopez had taken cognisance of having been voted the most shapely butt. She, from all counts, appears to be proud of the title she had won. She was such a successful star that employing her butt for testing the softness of beds won’t have occured to her.

At one time a woman would have been the butt of jokes to be praised for her bottom. However, nowadays, it is seen as a great compliment. Gone are the days when such limericks as following were prevalent:

A girl from Madras,
Had a beautiful ass;
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.

Nowadays, an ass means an ass of the rounded and pink variety.

Many actresses have got their butts insured exactly like the soft-bed-tester Natalie Thomas. Many actresses privately feel that if it hadn’t been for their behinds, they wouldn’t have been where they are: at the top of popularity charts. Men have a fascination for the women’s butts. That’s the bottom-line. Most men agree that a rear view is not so rare these days and keeps them raring to go.

By the same reasoning, hundred percent of Indian politicians should also get their bottoms insured since being a certain kind of holes is their calling. Indeed, they should do it at the time of campaigning for elections since, the statistics of Indian democracy bring out that if you lack in your ability of being this certain kind of hole, the chances of your getting elected are next to nil.

Babus in government offices also make use of those parts of the body for which Natalie Thomas gets paid so heavily. As they sit on their bottoms, the files on their desks and cupboards become bigger and bigger stacks; and, it often appears that the only reason they sought the job was to have a piece of government furniture support the most precious part of their bodies.

Chair or gaddi is important in Indian politics and babudom. Its occupant gets enormous powers. Many of the occupants when asked to get their bottom out of the gaddi would do anything to keep it there as long as they can. For this if they have to kiss the bottoms of the voters in their constituency, it is all for good cause.

To end a long story short, the motto ‘be kind to your behind’ has now been modified to: ‘be kind to all behinds’ because a hindsight is always better than foresight.